Why Kids Don’t Listen & The One Small Shift that Changes Everything

If you’ve been searching for good parenting tips, meaningful parenting advice, or wondering how to get kids to listen without yelling while also learning how to raise confident and emotionally intelligent kids, this episode will completely reframe your approach.

📘Get Your Copy of Talk to Them Early and Often by Cara Tyrrell

In this powerful conversation, early childhood expert Cara Tyrrell shares how the words we use every day shape our children’s identity, confidence, and overall child development.

Because parenting isn’t just about correcting behavior—
it’s about shaping the inner voice your child will carry for life.

Drawing from her background in linguistics and early childhood education, Cara introduces her transformative framework, the Talking Triangle, and explains why only 7% of communication comes from words—while the other 93% comes from tone, body language, and energy. 

We also explore how intentional language can support early communication skills—making this conversation especially valuable for parents looking for simple, effective ways to incorporate speech therapy at home through everyday interactions.

And perhaps most importantly, we go deeper into the work many parents avoid:
why raising emotionally secure children often requires reparenting yourself first.

In this episode, we cover:

• How language directly impacts child development and identity
• Practical ways to support communication and speech therapy at home
• Why saying “you’re okay” can confuse a child’s emotional experience
• How to get kids to listen without yelling (without power struggles)
• The connection between language, self-talk, and confidence
• How to raise confident kids through everyday conversations
• How to repair after reactive parenting moments
• Why connection—not control—is the foundation of discipline

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

There are some conversations on this show that just crack me wide open. This is the most important parenting conversation we've had on this show so far. And we're 150 episodes in. Today I am joined by the incredible Kara Terrell. This one is going to have you thinking differently about the way you talk to your kids or even any kids. The core of this conversation is that so often we're trying to solve problems for our kids through language, and that there are many other steps before any words come out of our mouths that we need to make sure we are addressing in our own experience, in our own nervous system regulation, and the way that we're showing up to hold the space for them. So at the heart of it, this conversation is really about becoming a better communicator and building a foundation for a positive, lifelong relationship with your kids or anybody really. She was a preschool teacher, she was a kindergarten teacher, she was a nanny, and she is founder of Core for Parenting, where she teaches a method called collaborative parenting. So if you like me want to raise emotionally intelligent, confident kiddos through intentional language and connection, this episode is going to be so impactful for you. Welcome back to the podcast. Ryan, it is so good to see you again. So good to see you, my long lost friend. It feels like it's been a long time and also that no time has passed at all.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

I agree with both of those. It's literally been two years, so that is a long time. And I also agree that, you know, you and I could get coffee any day of the week.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

I so agree. And you know what? One day I have a feeling we're gonna actually make that happen, which is very exciting. I love meeting online friends in real life. You know, it's like, oh my God. I know the coolest thing. Same. Yeah. Yeah. So you've spent years in classrooms and working with families. And I'm curious some of the red flags you were seeing or you are seeing when it comes to language or anything really.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Yeah. Um, and you know what's really interesting, Ryan, is that so for the listener, I taught preschool and kindergarten and then also worked as a direct service nanny for families who had infants and toddlers. And so, yes, I've seen both environments and both spaces, which each have different social expectations. But the crossover of the way that adults use language to try to solve their children's feelings, essentially, right, is the same. When a child is having a big emotion, a big feeling, and it's being expressed out of their body in some way, the subconscious speech that lives within us from places and spaces we honestly don't even remember come out. Shh. We try to quiet them, right? We actually call them out. You're being too loud. You know, so there's language that just automatically comes out of us that we're trying to soothe the environment so everybody feels good and calm again. But what we're actually doing without even realizing it is speaking to the soul of this little human being and creating an identity belief. I am a loud person. And when I'm loud, it upsets other people. And I understand now, it took me a long time to get this, Ryan, that like I'm a bit of a unicorn in that my brain observes, processes, flips, and then makes meaning of this and then understands the implications in real time. And so all day long I was surrounded by, ouch, ooh, because I'm also an empath, right? So I was like absorbing this child's sting moment. And I thought I can't do this anymore. I need to bring this to light because people don't know what they're doing. They're not culpable. Once they understand, they can make different choices.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

You are absolutely a unicorn from where I'm standing. So, yes, in many ways. And I want to ask for your help with something because one of the things I've been saying recently to my kiddos, especially my four-year-old, who's teetering on the brink of toddlerhood and kidhood. He's like, not quite a toddler, not quite a kid. Four is such a funny age. And I've been saying to him, but all my kids, but it doesn't land quite for my big kids the way it does for him. And part of me thinks I'm saying it for myself. And here's the phrase I've been saying. And I've been saying in a very neutral tone, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. And part of me thinks that I'm doing it for myself to remind myself that this is not an emergency. Everything is as it should be, and I am okay, and it's going to be okay. And then part of me is communicating this like, it's okay to feel this way. It's okay that you just threw your waffle across the breakfast table and now I'm cleaning it up. It's okay. It's okay. And what do you think about that? Is it could we could I do better? Give me some advice in real time here if you would.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Oh wow. So, first of all, to the listeners out there, my background is in linguistics. Okay, so I get a little nerdy with the actual word choices that we use in our sentences. And the it is a really interesting choice, right? And I can tell what you're trying to do is make it neutral so that there's not an identity, an identity pronoun use. So I or you, because we get into trouble when we start doing that, right? But I wonder if it just feels a little too vague to him, as in like, what is okay? Which which part of this is okay? Because there's so many layers. So let's let's pull it back. What I know you're trying to do is give him permission to feel his feelings, but you also are not a big fan and you'd like to create a boundary line against throwing food. Right? Sure. Okay. Yeah, I mean that's important. Because what we want for your little one is to learn that it's okay to feel the big thing that's inside him, but there are other ways to express it besides a food fight.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

So do I need to say more? It's okay, and you may not throw your waffle across the breakfast tape.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

So we start the sentence with the permission statement, right? And I say this a lot lately and I absolutely love it. I want like a military-style t-shirt that says permission to feel, granted.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Yes. I want one of those as well.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

Yeah. Um, you know, it's okay that you feel whatever it is. And it's okay for you to put it in there for him. Like it's okay that you feel frustrated that your waffle is, I don't uh what's that word when it gets floppy? I don't know. My kids always hated it when they went floppy. Totally. Right. It's okay that you feel frustrated that your waffle went floppy. You may not throw your waffle. So the permission statement comes before the boundary statement. But the boundary statement matters. Okay. Yeah. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Yeah, you've got to. So missing a little context.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

Yeah. And then and then, you know, like if this becomes a habitual thing that is not just food related, what if you notice that his big emotions are always coinciding with the throwing of something? Then you know that his body is giving him the cue. When I feel this thing, I need to move my body in some way. True. Right. So now you're looking at more the vestibular input that his body is specific. Because when I feel big feelings, it's different. I don't know about you, but when I feel big feelings, I want a blanket, a cup of tea, and a book. I'd like to be quiet. I'd like to be alone and I'd like to be calm and permission to cry. Yeah. So, you know, you're you know who your kiddo is. But if you start with the permission statement and you go to the boundary statement and you hold that boundary with if you choose to keep throwing your food, then you're choosing to be done at the table. Boom. Now he knows exactly what's going to happen. And that safety allows him to make his next best choice.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

And case in point, in that your collaborating your collaborative parenting method is not permissive, is not boundaryless. We are not letting our kids run amok to all the boomer grandparents out there. No, we are not letting our kids run amok.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

We are not. And if I had my um my physical aids right here with me, I would use them, but I don't. What I have is a three-month-old attached to my body for any of you hearing these sweet little snuffle noises. I taught a parenting education class yesterday, and we actually did the boundary exercise with human beings. And it's so fun to like feel it and visualize the same thing. So here's the thing about boundaries. They are not just what they are. They either have quality and depth, or they are very thin and they are very flimsy. So we used a rope, and this person, you know, the minute she tested the boundary, she was able to get right out of it. And then I had people take the rope and hold it as tight as they possibly could, like as much tension as they could add. She had less success breaking the boundary. But the amount of energy that it took the adults to hold and control that child was so significant that eventually they had to, they had to let go. And the she went right through it anyway. Right. So the boundaries are tricky and the conversation around them has to be far more nuanced than it is. You either hold a boundary with love, compassion, consistency, and be willing to let the louder shell of the boundary, if you will, move with all of you as you move through your moments and move through your day. And then the flexibility of the child who's learning how to make their best choices within it gets to happen as well. But these rigid, tight, taut those, that's the opposite of permissive, right? That's authoritarian. That's because I say so. That's control. So we need like this really cool quality of boundary that is believed. Your kids need to believe your boundary statements, and that has nothing to do with the words and everything to do with the relationship that you have cultivated with them and what I call the core four connectors.

SPEAKER_01 12:18

Yeah. So your work is brilliant. Your work spans many, many depths and topics and issues and challenges we have as parents and caregivers. You have a new book coming out. I can't wait to hear all about it. Talk to them early and often, a caregiver's guide to intentional language development for infants and toddlers. It comes out April 24th. I'm gonna link it down below. You guys can run and get that book as this airs. It's coming out very soon, but you can also pre-order it. But my question is why specifically, I know you have a background in linguistics, but why language, why words, and why this book now?

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Okay. So what's really funny about the focus, right, is that the book seems to be really all about words. What's true is that the second half has 25 intentional language sentence starters that are scientifically backed, like they're evidence-based to connect to a child's soul, to connect to their growing brain, to inspire action and choice making on their part. That is true. But what you learn in the first half is the science of early language development and how pre-verbal kids, kids who can't talk yet, actually have an entire linguistic center of their brain that is being built by the way you communicate with them. It's a most overlooked period from the adult's perspective, because we live in a believe it to see it world. And the more we pour in and the less we get back, we go, do I really need to even bother with this right now? And the answer is a resounding, this is the most important time in the world to bother with it. 90% of your child's brain, the physical size and the connections that were made and the pruning, the synapse, the things that were cut away, the kids believe they actually don't need anymore is done by five years old. Parents, you are your child's first teacher. You're gonna open this book and it's gonna say, This is for teachers and training, and you are entering in, you know, a path to education. You are their first teacher. This book is for you too, because you want to be part of the tribe with your child's educator. And that's why it's so important that this book is right now. We are entering a next generation of parenting where you all see this differently, and I could not be happier. Like I do a happy dance once a week because parents used to say to me, all I want for my kids is to be happy, healthy, and successful. And that's not what you say anymore. Parents like Ryan say to me, I want my child to feel safe. I want my child to feel heard and seen and secure in who they are. And that is a big mindset shift, my friends. And if that's what you want for your kids, then you need to start using your words before they can talk back to you to build that identity, to make them feel seen, to make them feel heard and loved and understood.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

Is it also non-negotiable that we as the adults in the room, Cara, must ourselves feel safe, heard, seen, and secure in who we are?

SPEAKER_00 15:39

Oh non-negotiable is is a hard, that's a big phrase. In my utopian world, yeah, is that likely a lot of people are doing the work to reparent and they're making great strides towards that goal? I think what's most important is that when you start to see your child as a member of the team, that you understand that you are both going to get this wrong sometimes, and you're on the journey together, that you'll continue to work towards being your next best self. Well, the you there get permission to do the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 16:19

Well, that's a lot less pressure. I like that. That that feels a little lighter than me. I'm like non-negotiable. That's yeah, that feels a little lighter. Cool. Okay, so we're not gonna nail it every time, guys. You heard it here first. Well, you hear it here all the time that we're just we're gonna mess up, you know? We're gonna we're gonna make mistakes.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

But so let me also share on that vein. Let's see. It's obviously this is such a new copy that I haven't even nailed down what page all the things are on. It's very exciting. It's so fun. Looking for your own. It's on page 24. What? Page 24. Page 24. And it's called the talking triangle. Okay. So what I want everyone to know is that as adults, we tend to go straight to the words. We are talkers. As women, particularly, we say between 25 and 30,000 words a day. Men are a bit less, but you know. Wow. Okay. That's a lot. We say a lot of words. We say a lot. But do what do we actually mean? Yeah, we just say a lot. So the talking triangle is going to introduce you to what meaning-based communication really is. All right. I'm gonna I'm gonna have you, you're my only person here, Ryan. You you get you get the quiz, right? What percent of meaning-based communication do you think we convey with our words? I would say under 10%. Ding, ding, ding. Well, done. Seven, seven percent. We say 30,000 words a day, but the other 93% of what we're actually communicating to these kids is in our non-verbal, I call them language links. So you'll read all about them body posture, body language, facial expression, tone, energy, affect, like the energy enters the room before your words do, people. And if it's not aligned, if the energy is misaligned, if your tone is cranky, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, if your body posture is closed off, they actually won't even hear the words that you say. They are wasted words.

SPEAKER_01 18:37

Wow. I think that has a lot of us here, including myself, rethinking some of our approach. And so luckily we have you here and we have your book coming out at the end of April to guide us because most of the people here know that energy is real, right? But you listed all these other things in addition to energy. So the first and only place my mind goes is energy. But you said affect, body posture, facial expression. So these are all things that we need to become aware of. So, as the adults in the room, how do we start to become aware of like not letting, you know, the old silly thing of how you can't hide anything of what you're thinking be, you know, via your facial expression, like no poker face kind of a thing. So that's just one silly example. But how do we really start to become aware? Is this a body thing? Is this a mind thing? Is it both? Like what are we, what are we doing? What's our first step here?

SPEAKER_00 19:37

Yeah. Um, well, I don't know if if anyone else out there is a fan, but I'm a huge fan of Hamilton. Yes. Yeah, yeah. You got it right here. Yeah. And um, Aaron Burr, his major line, right? Talk less, smile more. Smile more. Okay. Yeah. If you just tell yourself, if you're headed to have a hard conversation, if you're headed into a stage of the day where you know transitions always go south, if you're already in a moment that's not going particularly well, step one is tell yourself to shut up. Don't speak, don't say a word. If you have to repeat it in your head multiple times, please do. Like it's not time for talking yet. It's not time for talking yet. You want to gut check all the other parts of the talking triangle first. And when you see them laid out visually, affect, which is energy, is the largest component. So you want to write your energy first. Then you want to lay on your body language, which includes the posture, which is so then you want to be down on the ground next to them. Then you want your arms to be open in an invitational manner. Then you want to make sure that you're aligned that way. The next step is facial expression. It's like this spiraling layering thing. Then you want to make sure you have a relatively neutral face or you put on a smile, or not. You get permission to feel your feelings too, parents. If that moment has triggered you so intensely, but you are super committed to show up anyway, align your energy, get your body posture in check, and then let them see your cranky face. You are allowed to be upset, but you're responding through your upset instead of reacting through your upset. And that's the difference. Because the next part of the talking triangle is your tone and your intonation. So if you have an upset face, let it out, but make the tone as calm, even, and connected as you possibly can, then your words will land when you say something like, This is my cranky face. I am having a really hard time understanding your behavior right now. I am having a hard time processing your feelings right now. I'm here, let's figure it out together. Can you see how it all layers one to The next, but those words are the very end. They're not first.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

That's a big runway. That's a that's a big runway, which is good because we get to psych ourselves up, right? For the I'm picturing the Rocky music playing, right? We get to like really do the buildup. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

And let's take the pressure off, Ryan. Okay. So I gave you the hard moment. But that's for the all-stars. Okay. That's when you like know what you need to do. This is the master level. The beautiful part is that there are far more moments throughout your day that are calm, fun, connected, and predictable. So your job is to start practicing this in those moments so that the first few language links just start to fall into place for you, and you're spending the majority of your energy choosing your words.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Okay, so let's say later I'm with my son because I pick him up a couple days early because he is still little. And so I'm with my son and I make him a mud kitchen in the backyard, and it's sunny, and we're kind of like playing with the hose and in the pool and in the mud kitchen, and I'm kind of lounging. Maybe I'm reading my book, maybe I'm just kind of lounging, you know, looking at my flowers or something, and he's just like into his mud kitchen, and it's such a fun moment, and just there's nothing wrong. And he's in the zone and I'm in the zone. Where do I bring this in? Okay. Or how do I bring this?

SPEAKER_00 23:33

First of all, I want to live that moment. That is a core, like my body already, my energy already just feels so much more settled and calm. So, like your energy, you having to choose to align your energy, you don't have to. You're already, you're already there.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Already there.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

Right? Okay. So, ooh, that's permission. That's amazing. What I notice about that moment is he's playing independently and you're playing independently, which is lovely. Like, I do whole workshops on the four types of play and how we have to create all the opportunities for kids to practice all of them. Okay, that's not this conversation. To answer your question in this context, you now need to come together. You need to get up, you need to go to that mud kitchen. If he is standing and he's yay tall, you need your preschool chair that has you be yay tall next to him. Now your body posture is the same. Then you need to turn to him and smile or like do something really fun with your face to show that you get how fun what he's doing is. Then you're gonna choose probably an upbeat, engaged, maybe even a silly tone for when you speak. And all you're going to do with your words is validate how cool it is. Buddy, I can see how much fun you're having. I love watching you have fun. Could I play too?

SPEAKER_01 24:59

I love that. I love that so much. So one little part of me constricted during that whole spiel because I like now I have to invite myself into his play. Ooh, that's scary. And I don't know if I want to play. And I, you know, and so I think that I have, I don't know what it is, but I always joke, like, I don't play. You know, my husband is the player, like he loves playing with the kids. And I'm like the observer, and I'm the one, like I'm in the kitchen and I'm observing and I'm cooking food. And so this is an area of opportunity for me where I can insert myself, invite myself rather, into their play for how long are we talking here? Can I like set a timer for 10 minutes? Do we have, is it quality over quantity? Like, what's a realistic expectation that can still connect us?

SPEAKER_00 25:53

Ryan, I love how authentic and vulnerable you're being right now, not just me, with all your people. First, before I answer that, let me just say play is their language. And play is their relationship-building tool. So when you get invited into their play, you are building a relationship with your child and you are practicing the very important skill called serve and return, which is essentially conversation. I get to say something and create input. Now you get a turn. And conversation in these flow states, in these fun, low stakes, no major issues moments are what prepare you to be the person that they love, respect, and trust and will come to when they need to have connection and conversation around a real problem they need solving in their life. So getting dirty in the mud kitchen is going to prepare you for three years from now when he says, I said this in front of all my classmates and they laughed at me. So, because I know you want to be that mom. Yes, I do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:11

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 27:12

So is there a timeline? Oh, here's the cool part about kids. Their attention span is really, really short. So if you invite yourself in and he says, Yes, mommy, then ask. Like, which part of the kitchen can I use? Okay. And he says, You make the frosting. My dad has a whole song about mud being a cake. Okay. You make the frosting. You're like, great, I'll do that. So you're making the frosting. You're like, wow, and and like just make it like you were having a conversation in the kitchen. Wow, this frosting is not coming together the way I would expect it to. Hmm, let me try this, let me try that. They're also natural problem solvers, these little, here, try this. What if you used this stick? What if you he'll he'll want to engage. Now, you can be done whenever you want to be done. You have permission. You know, it's clear that your son has the skill set and the safety emotionally to be able to play near you without playing with you. So whenever you're like, my social battery is just about done, even though he's my one and only and I love him so much, he's not your one and only. But like in that moment, he is.

SPEAKER_01 28:23

He's my one and only boy. So I guess. Oh, there you go.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

There you go. Then just take your out and say, this was so much fun playing with you. My body feels like it needs to go back and sit down and read my book for a few minutes. Thank you for letting me play. Finish with a gratitude. Finish with a thank you.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

I'm so inspired. Like that's so simple. And it doesn't have to be this, like, you know, you know, trudgery. Like it doesn't have to be like a chore because sometimes I'll feel myself and he'll be like, mommy, play with me. Because he's much younger than the two older ones, too. And so he and he doesn't have a sibling that close in age with him. And so my older two kind of always had each other. So there was much more observing in those cases, just kind of by default. Yeah. So with him, he there is more of just like, play with me. And so I have a little, I'm thinking differently about it now. So thank you. I am so grateful for that explanation. So I want to get back to language. What are some things that adults are saying that might be hurting our kids inadvertently? Like what are our go-to phrases similar to the it's okay that I was saying earlier that wasn't quite spot on? We needed to add a little more on. What are some things we're saying that we don't even notice that we're saying that aren't helping?

SPEAKER_00 29:50

Well, one of them is actually um it's okay's cousin, you're okay, right? I hear this a lot. I volunteer at the nursery in church and kids who have a little trouble with separation, the parents are always telling them how okay they are. And I'm like, they're actually not okay. Not in this moment. So instead of because when we when we see our child crying and being in emotional distress, you're okay is our go-to because we want them to not feel distressed. But it actually doesn't solve for their feelings. It becomes an identity statement of confusion. Is this what okay feels like? Because in my body, I'm not enjoying how this feels. It's okay to be ripped away from my parent. Huh. Well, that doesn't feel very safe, right? These are the sub-conscious processing that is happening in the preverbal brain. Um, so that's one. So when your child is upset, just call it for what it is. You really wish I could stay. You are very upset right now. I see how upset you are. The other opposite is true. When they're happy, like this little girl I met yesterday was having the time of her life. And I said, I can tell how excited you are because your body is jumping up and down and your arms are moving really, really, really fast. So, like, make sure that whatever they're feeling, you talk to it, and then tell them how you can see it presenting in their body so they can make the connection. That's the healthy side. Another one I hear all the time is, oh gosh, there's so many. I it's like, it's hard to choose. I bet. Yeah. Um, but let's let's take it to praise for a minute because parents are parents are very clear they want their kids to feel successful internally. But our subconscious speech patterns from when we were young still have a saying things like, I am so proud of you, and I knew you could do it. When I say that, Ryan's subconscious brain hears this isn't about me. This is about my parent. So I am supposed to do things that make them feel proud and accomplished. And it's as simple as a pronoun swap. You must feel so proud of yourself. You did it. I am proud. I did it. It's a just a simple pronoun swap. Now, in the collaborative methodology that I teach, if parents have so much difficulty hijacking that language, because it's hard, right? It's been in there so long. We just get rid of the personal pronouns altogether and go to we. We did it. We are proud that we solved this together, right? And then we're anchoring the relationship at the same time. Um, I hear a lot of statements, like I said earlier, about that reflect back the character of the child in a negative way. And it can be really hard watching your child evolve into someone who you don't recognize. I remember um I nanied for this amazing woman. My gosh, so kind, so generous, so compassionate, so like all the beautiful things, the biggest introvert on the planet who gave birth to the most socially engaged butterfly extrovert, loud, convicted child. And we went to the beach, and this kid brought back new friends for her mother on repeat. And mom was like, What is happening right now? I did not sign up for this. I just wanted to sit and like snuggle my child in my lounge chair. So when we start to see our child evolving into who they really are, we need to stop ourselves from pointing it out through our confusion and overwhelm because then they start to believe that who they are is bad. Do what you do, take that beat and observe it, and then use our words to be that mirror. Wow. When you get excited, your body runs away. You made another friend today. You're really good at making friends. Yep. You're not saying anything about you, you're just noticing this about them.

SPEAKER_01 34:10

And the go-to in my brain, right? I'm putting myself in this mom's position. I get it because I'm kind of an introvert. Is like, oh, honey, like stop bothering people. They're at the beach, they just want to relax. Oh, they're with their own family. And you're kind of projecting your uneasiness out onto the kid, right?

SPEAKER_00 34:28

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And then with um families that are having new siblings, I see I hear a lot of like danger and protection language right out of the gate. So a new sibling comes home. There's a two and a half, maybe year old that's already there. And what we want, what we mean to say is like, I want to teach you how to love your sibling. I want to show you how the two of you can be connected, even though they're really little and they need a lot of taking care of. But what we say is, be careful, gentle hands, oh, that's too much. You're too close, you're too this, you're too that. Oh my gosh, the more I say you're too and fill in the blank, the more my heart hurts. Because all of a sudden, now kids who are between one and three years old biologically are going to feel a certain level of replacement when you have another sibling. It just is what it is, whether you want it to be true or not. But when we pile on with all of these statements, then they start to actually believe it's true long term. And that's so hard, right? So we want to use different language. We just want to use teaching language. You it like say the truth. You are two, your body knows how to be gentle. You can still get the gentle in there, but the baby is brand new. She doesn't know how to hug yet. You do. Would you like to practice a gentle hug? Then practice with a parent, then practice with a stuffed animal, then practice with another sibling if they're there, then put the baby in their arms.

SPEAKER_01 36:17

So good. And I'm flashing back to bringing our second daughter home with our first daughter. And there is so much of that. However, I was, you know, kind of doing a bit of this work, scratching the very, very surface as they were born. But yes, I remember because the, you know, she was, how old was she? She was 22 months when her sister was born. And so she was right there in that age we're talking about. And I remember her, you know, kind of peeling back the swaddle and like, you know, like they just want to like touch that baby and like play with it because it looks, you know, it's a play. It's you said play is their language, it's play, it's their playing.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:03

So that's really, really helpful.

SPEAKER_00 37:06

So here's a sentence starter to take, okay, everyone here. When the when the child's doing that, say, did you know? These are three magic words to start a sentence because they pattern interrupt what you're about to say about the child's perceived behavior, right? But also it creates your teaching moment. Did you know that babies pick up germs faster than two-year-olds? That's why we don't touch their face. Did you know that baby's skull is not fully developed? That's why we don't touch their heads. So it's just a learning opportunity. Yeah, you'll probably have to remind them 412 times lovingly. But like, it's different than I don't have permission to touch my own sibling. Did you know, fill in the blank? Their foot is a great place to touch. Their hand is a great place to hold.

SPEAKER_01 38:06

Did you know that if you put your finger up to their fingers, that babies will grab your finger? Did you know that, right? I love it. Did you know? That's so beautiful. So this inevitably, Cara, brings me to what would you say to the parents of older kids who are here with us? And even my child, my 11-year-old, this morning, she was feeling big feelings surrounding something that didn't seem big to me. Something small and minor happened, and she had something going on in her internal experience. We were getting out the door, we were doing the various things that happen in the morning. So there wasn't a whole lot of like spaciousness to like sit down and analyze this. And I said to her that sentence, it's okay. And she's like, it's not okay. And I'm like, got it. Touche, babe. You're right, you're right, got it, got it. So that was a perfect learning experience for me. But so those of us with older kids, and even I want to add here, maybe even kids who are adults, like yours, Cara, that we are thinking right now, like, well, you know, we missed the window, maybe. And and what can we do now? And how moving forward can we use language to still build that rock solid foundation that we really, really want?

SPEAKER_00 39:29

I love this. Scientifically, the truth is relationships can always be rebuilt. That's it. So if you feel like you missed a window, you didn't, you just haven't opened it yet. That's all. That said, the older they are, the more evidence they have that like the window will feel kind of stuck, right? You're like pushing as hard as you can, and they're like, Really? Are you sure? Wait, are we actually gonna engage this way now? I can trust everything you say, and you're not gonna get mad if I tell you this. And the more that you give them evidence, someone's gonna oil the hinge up, it will go. So the great news is that it doesn't matter how old your kids are. You are allowed to have a book on your shelf that says infants and toddlers on the cover. Because the 25 intentional language sentence starters, just like the one I just gave you, that are in the second half of the book, work when you are trying to create a meaning connection-based conversation with any human being at any age.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

This is probably the most important parenting conversation we've ever had on this show. And we're 150 episodes plus, Kara. I mean, truly, truly make me cry. Let's do it.

unknown 40:56

I'll cry with you.

SPEAKER_01 40:58

It's so impactful. And I know that you know that your work is gold. And I just want to tell you, you're a gift, and your work is a gift, and it's making a difference just for me here in real time, and for everybody who listens to this. This is big.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

And I I want to thank you so much for that. I really, my heart needed to hear that. This is not easy, right? It's not easy getting a message that nobody understands out into the world. So thank you for that. But I do want to tag onto something you pointed out a second ago, which is that I have adult children. My girls are 21 and 23, and they are paving their own way in the world. And for all of you who've made it this far, that's really the goal, right? Our job is that we are constantly coaching, constantly guiding, constantly preparing our children to become bigger children, to become adults who can do this on their own. I'm gonna people ask me all the time, does it get easier? And I'm just so honest. And I say, no, it doesn't, but it gets different. It gets different. And the bigger they get, the more you have to accept. I have got a 23-year-old who is very slowly, which is her general nature, attacking the world one slow step at a time, often feels and says, I'm not good enough because I'm not at the same pace as people my own age. We come back to the exact same conversation we had when she was two. Your journey, your timeline, when you feel ready, confident, and secure, you will do it. I've got a 21-year-old who lives in Tokyo, has been gone for three years, and just got a house, and so not coming back for a while, right? I have had to readjust to my vision of what it meant to be her mom. But guess what? We're just as connected. She calls for all the right things and she does all the independent things on her own. You are just creating a foundation, and you do it with your energy and you love and your words.

SPEAKER_01 43:22

This is so good. The words, I'm thinking of words as a bridge. Like they're they're the bridge, right? To see another, to understand another, to, you know, like back and forth, right? It's not one-sided, it's a bridge where we we all kind of go and we meet in the middle.

SPEAKER_00 43:42

I can't believe you just said that, to be honest, Ryan. So I do a boundary training where I have a visual and there are words that create brick walls, and there are words that create bridges, and that's exactly it.

SPEAKER_01 43:54

Yeah. Amazing. I understood the assignment. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. So it's perfect. It's perfect. I just Love thinking about it like that. Talk to them early and often. Thank you. I appreciate everything about you, Ryan. Thank you for the space.