Raising Wild Hearts
An inspirational show focused on growth from challenge and ideas to take the path less traveled. Ryann Watkin interviews experts and shares resources on education, creativity, nature, spirituality, mental health, relationships, self care, and more. Ryann is a passionate speaker, mom, wife, and educator who asks questions that provoke self-awareness, meaning, and purpose. Psychology, spirituality, family— and where they all intersect— is the heartbeat of Raising Wild Hearts.
Raising Wild Hearts
The Balancing Act of Parenthood and Personal Growth with Nikki B.
Today Nikki Bair, founder of Preschool Parenting Panic, is joining us and we're leaning into exploring anxiety and ADHD and how our energy, as parents, is intertwined with our kids. Nikki talks about ways we can connect with our kids to ultimately create peace in our homes even amidst the challenges that life inevitably brings.
Find out More About Nikki's Work Here
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I noticed all of the stuff out there that I was finding either focused just on, like, disciplining the child, or it focused on sometimes it focused on the parenting as well. But I noticed to get a real lasting shift, we need to focus on three different things. And that's the child, the self and the environment. And that's the child, the self and the environment. And when I began combining these three together, it created like real transitions, real shifts that lasted, rather than just band-aids.
Speaker 2:Welcome, revolutionary Mama, to the Raising. Wild Hearts podcast. I'm Ryan Watkin, educator, mom of three, rebel at heart and passionate soul, on a mission to empower and inspire you.
Speaker 2:Here we'll explore psychology, spirituality, parenthood and the intersection where they all come together. We'll discover how challenges can be fertile soil for growth and that even in the messy middle of motherhood, we can find magic in the mundane. Join me on my own personal journey as I talk to experts and share resources on education, creativity, self-care, family, culture and more. I believe we can change the world by starting at home in our own minds and hearts, and that when we do, we'll be passing down the most important legacy there is healing, and so it is. Hello friends, welcome back to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast. So happy you're here. Showing up week after week, these conversations I'm having lately are just amazing. I mean, they've all been amazing. But yeah, I'm excited to share many more with you. I'm not sure what the summer schedule around here is going to be yet. It's kind of getting towards that time and I'm not sure if I'm going to take a little pause or keep going, but there'll likely be a little bit of a gap. But when I know the schedule I will keep you posted so you'll know what to expect. But for now the interviews are going on as scheduled. So today I am talking to Nikki Baer. Nikki loves figuring out what makes kids tick, which I really resonated with her on because, as you know, I love childhood development and psychology. So we talk about her journey into exploring those interests and even into becoming a daycare provider for children because she loved them so much. And then she became a mom, which she said was a whole different ballgame. Who can relate to that? And then Nikki says despite her natural talent for connecting with little ones, especially those with challenging behaviors, applying her professional know-how at home wasn't straightforward, with her own battles of anxiety and ADHD, nikki had to dig deeper, blending her love for child psychology with a relentless pursuit to master family dynamics. Now she's here with us to share those insights, making life a bit smoother for other moms walking similar paths. This conversation was absolutely phenomenal. I actually share in it that. I believe I also experienced some ADHD and probably have for the majority of my life. It's interesting how it's manifested, though, as I've gotten older and, of course, as I've had children, it's kind of evolved throughout the years. So I share that.
Speaker 2:In this episode we talk about Nikki's trifecta of focus how we need to focus on the child, ourself and the environment. She said what was lacking from most parenthood books and podcasts and articles, et cetera was focusing on ourselves and then also the environment. Much of it is child-centered, so we talk a lot about taking personal responsibility in our parenting journeys. Nikki says you can grow and learn in front of your kids, which was just one of the pivotal moments of the podcast that I absolutely loved. I think showing our kids that we're human is so valuable. We dive in a little bit to spirituality and energetics. We talk about Nikki's journey and her love for animals and children, and it's just a beautiful, heartfelt conversation. So I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Speaker 2:Let's jump in. Hi, nikki, welcome to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast. Hello, thank you so much for having me. Yeah, I'm really really excited to chat. We have a lot of parallels in our story. I am really interested in childhood development and child psychology, and so when I saw that in your bio, I was like, oh yay, we can totally nerd out. And the place that I want to start, because I resonate with this so deeply, is before you became a mom, you were interested in childhood development, and then how did becoming a mother shift that focus and that interest a little bit?
Speaker 1:So it was honestly a big shock to my system when I became a mother, because I was so successful with children in my career and then I thought becoming a mom was going to be so easy because of that. And then I realized, oh my gosh, this is completely different, what is going on, and it was almost like the mom guilt and the mom shame that we all experience Sometimes. It was, I feel, like it was 10 times stronger, because I knew what I should have been doing, but I just couldn't do it. So then I was even more upset with myself, like what is wrong with me? No-transcript, it was a complete shock for me. Much more difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh my gosh, you're speaking my language, sister. I was very similar journey. I was 10 when my brother was born and he was like my baby and I babysat for years and I was interested in child development I think because of my childhood and then, when I had kids, I was like, oh my God, I know nothing, like out the window. So what do you attribute that specific dynamic that we, as parents, have with our children Like? For you, what is that? Is this like a soul contract? Is this just like mirroring what you need to heal? Is this just like making us better people? Like? What's your take on it?
Speaker 1:A little bit of everything. Honestly, I just I recognized that, um, I think, just because they're almost like a part of you, because you gave birth to them, you know, and we were just designed this way, no matter what you believe, um, whether it's God or the universe, like that's just how we were designed. And what I noticed is they are a direct reflection of my internal states, of what I need to heal and grow from or grow into, I guess you could say so. They force me to grow by making me uncomfortable, by pointing these things out and reflecting them back at me, and they have no idea they're doing it, they don't know. So it's this beautiful thing. If you can observe it and if you understand what's going on and you're open to growing, then it's a beautiful thing. If you can observe it and if you understand what's going on and you're open to growing, then it's a beautiful thing, right? But if you're not sure what's going on, it can be really stressful. So, totally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of the things that I'm going through lately is a little bit of anger, and which is never like a fun emotion. I don't think society tells us that we can be angry. I think it mostly tells us that we have to keep that hidden and it's some sort of bad thing. And one of my children has been showing quite a bit of anger lately and my response to it is like my God, what's wrong with you child? No, but not really. But it's like, oh, my goodness, this is pretty intense, and so it's hard to hold space for that.
Speaker 2:And so one of the things I've been saying lately is it's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hurt somebody with your words or your hands, but it is okay to be angry. So, finding that safe, um, that safe way to express like on my walk this morning I was like clenching my fists and then like shaking it out, clenching my fist, shaking them out, and just like getting to know like, what does anger feel like for me and how can I express it without becoming this like raging lunatic? That's like my default, that's my unconscious, that's like what I would go to, like shouting or you know, and then it's like well, that feels terrible. Obviously, any mom who's ever yelled at their kids which is probably all of us doesn't feel good. So yeah, that's one of the things.
Speaker 1:That's so beautiful. I love that. You observe that in your body and you're thinking about that and wanting to make it better. And one good thing to note is that you can do that in front of your kids and with your kids. You can learn and grow in front of them, which is, I think, the biggest thing, is that we all grew up being programmed that, as a parent, you have to show, you have to model exactly how to be perfect, and that's just.
Speaker 1:It's uncomfortable for the kids. It's creating a ticking time bomb within yourself, and so it's actually I've seen from my experience it's better for us to just be open about how we're feeling, like oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm feeling really upset right now and I don't mean to yell at you, I'm just really overwhelmed. I need to calm down. Can you help me? What are some good ideas? And that way they're learning how to process. You're almost going through therapy because you're talking about it instead of holding it in and pretending everything's fine. So together you figure this out and you can still hold a space of, you know, being that parent with strong boundaries, but still showing them that you're learning and growing at the same time.
Speaker 2:Right, like we're humans, we're not robots, right, you know, and I think that was like the old school way to do. It was like, you know, the mom, it's so cliche, like going in the bathroom or the closet floor, and there still might be a time for that. You know, there there still is. But you said and I just have to say it again because it's so beautiful, I wrote it down you can learn and grow in front of your kids like full permission. We, we are human and we want them to be human too.
Speaker 1:They're going to learn from us, you know. Yeah, what better way for them to learn how to process emotions than watching you teach them how to process them right, instead of learning how to pretend like there's no and to hold it in until you blow up?
Speaker 2:Totally. Yeah, that's beautiful. So there's so much I want to ask you and this is one of the things I have written down and it's kind of in relation to what we've already been talking about and it's changing our internal state to strengthen the relationships that we have with our kids, and the through line in this podcast always is that it's like we're responsible for our own feelings and actions and thoughts and perceptions of the world. And so if that's true which I really believe it is then how do we take responsibility for in our daily lives, those perceptions and feelings that we have? And then, in turn, how does that affect positively affect the relationship with our kids?
Speaker 1:So I think a lot of it is shifting. Once I learned that a lot of my child's behavior was a reflection of my internal states and I really learned it because I first started reading about that and I was like, oh my gosh, is this coming from me? Because he was having a lot of meltdowns. And then, as soon as I started observing my thoughts, my feelings, like taking just a moment instead of just living through everything frantically, just taking a moment to stop and pause and think what am I feeling right now? What have I been saying? And then speaking to my son, immediately his behavior changed. So that was, you know. To me, that was like, yes, you're on the right path. This is, you're a big part of this. So then I started really making myself take that pause more often, and that was hard for me because I've diagnosed ADHD at 38 years old, which helped me understand a lot from my childhood.
Speaker 2:You're like that makes sense. Yes, I'm like, oh, I get it now. Could have been helpful 30 years ago.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so my mind races a lot and we tend to worry about everything we have to do and pull ourselves away from the now, the moment. So I've had to force myself to pause and observe, and that's really making me more responsible. For what am I feeling? What was I thinking to make me feel that way? And then that's also helped my thoughts, because you have like these mental patterns and your thoughts almost become habitual. So if I pause and I recognize, oh, that made me feel that way, that thought, I don't want to think about that anymore. Let's think of something else, that I'm almost training my mind to have more positive thoughts too. It's a slow process but it works. So that's been good and that helps me take responsibility for everything that goes on in my house honestly. And then my children see me doing that and they're feeling things from me as I'm doing that right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh my God. So there's a lot, okay. So I think that I have ADHD too and I, you know, I'm not like diagnosed, but I resonate so deeply with the racing thoughts and the. For me it manifests a lot in like dread how am I going to get a dinner and lunches packed and the house cleaned and like. So I'm always thinking about like how I'm going to get the next step of the routine done when it's like lunchtime, or I'm like like alone, going for a walk, like going like, oh my God, how am I going to get through the night with my kids? And it's like, it's true, it takes us away from the present moment, which is big, which is big.
Speaker 2:And then two yesterday I had not gotten a lot of sleep and my oldest child is super connected with me, like I would say that I'm highly sensitive and that so is she, and so we have this extra connection. So if we're affecting everybody in the house, I affect her like double, triple, quad, know, quadruple, and I didn't even notice it until like now it's like becoming like a light bulb as we're speaking. I was super tired. I woke up like groggy, I had an event the night before and so I was out really late and so I was just not my normal self. Like everything was like a little off and she had kind of a hard day and everybody's going like what's going on? It's, like you know, just wild, like how much DP says anything to do with it. Do you notice like that in you or your children? Like like, what's your take on that? I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1:My wifi, I think, cut out for a second there, but I did hear most of that so I think that I don't know if it's two separate things, but I have a very similar story. I was very highly sensitive when I was younger. My oldest son, who is eight, exactly like me, exactly and um, we, we. He definitely has the ADHD that I have. So I think they might be two separate things, but, like children and adults with ADHD are more inclined to be highly sensitive, I think.
Speaker 2:Okay, so Makes sense yeah.
Speaker 1:So when I'm having, even if I'm trying to hold it in and not expressing it, I will notice that it still affects him because he's highly sensitive. So I do think that there is a connection there, and the more that I'm learning and growing and learning how to express myself more appropriately, the more he's learning to do it too. But I also see that him and I are prone to having those more negative thoughts automatically. So that so, and they tend to connect together and spiral. So if someone's prone to having those negative thoughts, then it's really important to keep each other like up in spirits, because it can spiral really quick.
Speaker 2:Love that. So I mean, this is almost like cognitive behavioral therapy, like when we notice the thought that we're having right, we can replace it with another thought. So what's an example, maybe, of a thought that you have replaced with your negative thoughts, like do you have like an affirmation that you say, or what like? What exactly is it?
Speaker 1:So I have found that when I try too hard to remove a thought, it's like I'm focusing more on it. I'm like, no, don't stop. And then it becomes bigger and like more powerful. I guess you could say so what I noticed works for me specifically is completely distracting myself. I'll notice the thought, I'll note. Well, first I noticed I'm not feeling good, then I recognize the thought I had that kind of triggered that and I will just go distract myself immediately.
Speaker 1:I love animals as well, and so we have quite a few animals in the house and that is the best go-to for me is to go get some lovins from my cats or my dogs and that just shifts my mind so that I'm not obsessing over that thought and giving it more energy. Yeah, so that tends to work best for me. But I have used other techniques too, like holding on to a hot mug of coffee or a hot mug of tea or even, if I'm really stressing and kind of stuck on something negative, sometimes also an ice cube. I'll be like, okay, I just go grab an ice cube and it's something about the shock of the sensation. It brings me back into my body and out of my head.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, Thank you. That is beautiful and amazing. This morning I was having a challenging morning after my kids left and I was on the floor going like I am a conscious creator and I get to create the life I most desire and I'm like. But this is bullshit, because I'm on the floor and I'm upset.
Speaker 1:I know you kind of fight with yourself, leave it.
Speaker 2:Yep, that's not right, though I'm like arguing. Yeah, so, and that's so true, like a sensory experience to get us back into the moment. The breeze on our skin, cold, hot feet on the ground, like stomping my feet on the ground helps like to feel grounded. Oh, that's a good one. On the grass, yeah, yeah, like getting back in Cause if we let our minds kind of take over. You know, I've been likening it to the sensation lately of like feeling like I'm going to like float off into space.
Speaker 2:I yeah, I don't know who that resonates with maybe somebody, but I feel like flighty, and so getting back, like down to earth, is what really helps me, and for me that's like grounding effects. So I think that's going to be helpful to a lot of people listening, because, you know, so often we hear like, oh, just like you can't think your way out of a thought, like you can't think your way out of something that you're thinking got you to. So going to the body helps. How did you discover that? That it was like somatic and not mental or cognitive.
Speaker 1:I think that I naturally knew when I was younger because I loved dance, anything with movement, and when I was going through a really tough time in my 20s I became obsessed with like hula hoop dancing and that was my therapy. And it's crazy because the hula hoop if I was very stressed, the hula hoop would kind of have this weird kink in it while I was using it and I would just keep doing it until the kink was out and I felt better. So it was almost like the hula hoop was showing me where I was emotionally unstable and smoothing it out. It was so interesting. So for me I think it was a natural, an inner knowing. And then the more I dove into it and research stuff and I got older, it just became more absolute, Like I have to get out of my head and in my body, because that's where I just feel so much better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's talk a little bit about anxiety. I think it's related to the ADHD, right, and I mean let's just talk a little bit about how it manifests and maybe some tips on how to team that too, which I'm assuming is related to getting out of the mind, kind of a thing to tame that too, which I'm assuming is related to getting out of the mind kind of a thing.
Speaker 1:Yep, it's totally related. And the biggest hurdle or the biggest leap forward I made is when I realized that, oh, I have ADHD. It was after my diagnosis, and then I've always been the type of person that I like to try to do things without medication, but I'm open to it if I need it Right. So I tried it, and it gave me a huge epiphany to feel what it felt like to not have my mind racing. So I was able to feel that sensation, and then I knew what it was like. Oh, this is what it's like to pause and think about something, or to observe a thought, instead of they just go flying.
Speaker 1:I ended up getting off of the medication because it made me a little cranky and irritable. That I didn't like. It wasn't me, but it did help me find that space and see what it felt like. So the biggest leap, though, is I realized most of my anxiety came from the racing thoughts in the future of what I need to do. It has to be done. It was just pulling my. It was taking my happiness away from me. It was taking my time away. I always said I never have enough time, I never have enough time and that's because I was literally stealing my time away from myself by thinking about the future 24, seven. So that was the biggest thing when I realized that and I was like, okay, calm down One thing, focus in the now, enjoy my life, life here. When I realized I was doing that to myself and I could just slow down, it was life-changing.
Speaker 2:That was the biggest one for my anxiety oh, that's beautiful, like bringing it back to presence. That's something that I always, you know, go back to, like the north star, like am I here right now?
Speaker 1:And I've always been yeah, I've always been told that like being in the now, being in the now, and I heard the words, but it was like I had to experience it almost in a different way to truly internalize that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Thank you for sharing that experience to a medication and being able to feel a different way. I recently left my first acupuncture appointment in a long time and when I walked out of the office I was like, oh my God, I feel like a gummy bear, Like I was so relaxed and I was like this means that I'm walking around like a little windup toy all day long. And I had to see that opposite, that paradox. I had to feel it to realize how stressed out I actually was.
Speaker 2:It was like I knew I was, hence the going in for the acupuncture in the first place. But upon leaving it was like a pretty big wake-up call of like this is a big difference.
Speaker 1:Oh wow, this is what it feels like to not be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this feels nice. More of this, please. So I think that's a really great point in well, first the awareness right, and then knowing we need to do something, knowing there's some loving, healthy, coping action or mechanism that needs to take place, and then feeling into what that could be.
Speaker 2:So now on the opposite side of trying the medication, choosing not to take it because you didn't feel you. You're in the present moment more. Are there like ways? I mean the cold, the hot. Are there ways to be in the present moment? Does it all come back to the body? What if you are having a super busy day? What if you are feeling super overwhelmed?
Speaker 1:I think, now that I'm more aware and I have these new understandings, I've also learned to have grace with myself, because I never had that.
Speaker 1:I was always like what is wrong with me, I'm broken, I'm this, and now I'm learning, like, okay, there's a cycle, everything has a cycle. I'm going to have ups and downs. This is my moment where I'm a little off and I know, now that I know the cycle and the pattern, I know I'll come back down, it'll be okay, and I know not to make any big decisions when I'm in that moment, because in the past I could build something and destroy it in one day. And now I'm like no big decisions with anything until I come down from this moment, because I know it's just temporary. So I think, just having that grace and that understanding that this is just part of life, with anything, until I come down from this moment, because I know it's just temporary. So I think, just having that grace and that understanding that this is just part of life. Nobody has that steady state of happiness or calmness ever. There's always the ups and downs. I think that helps a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so beautiful Grace. It could all come down to that for sure. In last week's interview, amy Stone was saying that like conscious parenting even the people who write the books, even the like there's not. Like it doesn't happen 100% of the time when their whole house has the stomach flu and they're, like, you know, for a week with their family or whatever it is there's like. There's some times when we just have to give ourselves grace because we're human, like we feel the full range of emotion, or or at least like that's the point. I mean. I think we as a society try not to feel the whole range. We try to be these, like you know, pinned up versions of ourselves, but in reality, like the full human experience is all of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you kind of just explained how you can't really enjoy one feeling if you don't know what it's like to feel the opposite, right, so yeah.
Speaker 1:I always call myself actually the hot mess mama, because I'm a hot mess. I have high anxiety and I can easily drop into depression. So everything that I've figured out it's because this is what I have to do to function. This is what I have to do to make sure my family is well taken care of and we're enjoying life. We're getting along, but I'm still a hot mess. I'm always learning and growing. So that's just the way. I've just accepted it, like we have to have grace for ourselves and for our kids.
Speaker 2:That's right, I know sometimes I'm like, okay, I'm done with this, like whole personal development, like check, please done, and it's. I don't think that's ever going to happen.
Speaker 2:Like you know, I think it's a constant work in progress and to just like, lean into the potential discomfort of that, like that there's always going to be an external challenge, there's always going to be chaos. Should we so choose to see that and embody that? You know like we can choose that, or we can, you know, choose a different way and choose to take care of ourselves.
Speaker 1:So yeah, that's kind of like when you're in the middle of the chaos. You're like oh, I guess I'm growing again. It's time here we go, yeah.
Speaker 2:It's so true. So why do you think you are drawn to child development, child psychology, like what initially really drew you to working with children?
Speaker 1:So I was always a real sensitive child, like we talked about, and I could read animals and children just really well, Even when I was a child I loved, I was obsessed with like babies, and I just could sense them and I almost think that animals and children have. I think it's similar for me because and animals and children aren't in their head as much as we are as adults. They're just, they act, they think and they act, and so it's real pure and it's easy for me to connect with them. So I was always sensitive, always had that nurturing spirit, and then as I got older, I think, with the ADHD and the sensitivity, emotions and society things like that, it was tough for me to understand and it was tough for me to go through. So social development was difficult for me, I should say, and I wanted to understand.
Speaker 1:I was always observing like why do people act the way they act and why am I acting and thinking and saying the things that I'm doing? Why am I acting and thinking and saying the things that I'm doing? And so I was always in that kind of psychological observing state and so that just it just grew and grew as I had more and more issues as I was growing in as a teenager. You know that's always tough and I just got more and more inquisitive. So I always like learning about the body, the mind and what makes people tick.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I resonate with that super deeply.
Speaker 2:I'm the same same, like same same. I was always just very fascinated Like why did I make the choices I made as a teenager? Why did I make the you know like? And reflecting on that, I loved, like in my twenties, like my first taste of psychology in college, being like oh my gosh, this is so cool. I was always just really drawn to it. So I heard something let me know your take on this that when you're in the presence of a dog wagging its tail, like they're actually vibrating the frequency of love and so every time.
Speaker 2:I know every time I look at my dog and he's like wagging his tail, I'll be like, look at you, a little love bug, and I feel like that's so I don't know. I feel like it's true, I feel like energy is like a real thing and we can measure it now, and so it's become more like scientific, so it's more real, like, which helps me because I am, you know, cognitive. But, um, what's your take on that? Because I know you love animals and kids, so do you think that's true?
Speaker 1:A hundred percent. I actually believe that. I felt that when I was younger I got very into studying energy because of some interesting things I experienced firsthand with that and I became a massage therapist. I did that for about five years when I was younger and I had really interesting experiences doing massage therapy when it comes to energy and energy transfers. So I a hundred percent believe that because of my own experiences.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's really cool. So do you use energy work at all, like in your mothering or in your life now, like any Reiki or anything like that, or is it more just like your mental state or your like wellbeing? That's the energy.
Speaker 1:So I did study the first level of the Reiki. I did that a while ago and I really enjoyed it. I kind of came to the conclusion that, like this is just something that I think I'm more sensitive to. But we all have the capability of doing and I'm just more sensitive to it. So I'm aware of it every day. I think just the energy and the transfers and I kind of teach my children too because when we're having conversations I can see a transfer of energy there as well and try to teach them how to go with the flow in different ways. But I don't actually like practice anything specifically in that way. I think I just do it automatically. It's just a part of who I am, but it's very important to me.
Speaker 2:That's so interesting and so beautiful too. I mean, everything is energy and if we can tap into that loving, that loving presence. I mean if you hold your, your child, if they're upset or if they fell down or something, and you like hold them to you and you're feeling this like true love, not like worry or like, you know, frustration, but if you're really feeling that loving space, it's amazing how fast they come back to their center, Like it is so healing.
Speaker 1:I have a really interesting story that goes along with this. Oh cool. When I was younger, one of the first jobs I had in a daycare, I was in the young infant room and this one little baby was just crying and crying and crying and I felt so much anxiety and I'm holding the baby close to my chest and rocking in the rocking chair, and I felt so much anxiety and I'm holding the baby close to my chest and rocking in the rocking chair and I, I felt so much anxiety and then I just I don't know why I had this mental shift that I'm like, oh, I need to, like, help this baby release this anxiety that I'm feeling, cause it's not coming from me. I've always been very empathetic, to the point where it was like debilitating.
Speaker 1:I think that's what caused a lot of my issues with social growth. But so then I just went, I just took a deep breath and brought myself down and the baby finally immediately stopped crying and I was like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, this worked. You know, like the baby didn't know how to come down and it was transferring to me, but we were transferring back and forth, right. So when I was able to bring my energy to a calmer state that also transferred and it was just a really beautiful experience. I couldn't believe it, I was in shock.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I've been out in public and just wanted to grab people's infants. I know that would not be a good choice, but every time I hear a crying baby. I'm like, give me that baby, I need to hold it.
Speaker 1:That is one of the best techniques that works for my older, sensitive son and for the little one too. I have a six-year-old as well and I'll just ask do you need a hug? And you can tell they are so overwhelmed they are in fight or flight. Do you need a hug? Yes, and they just run to me. They could even be mad at me. Maybe I caused their upset and their overwhelm and they still come to me for that hug and immediately calm down. That was one of the best things I discovered.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we say that a lot in our house too. We say do you need a hug, are you ready for a hug? Um, those two phrases get thrown in a lot around, a lot for my husband and I, and my husband will throw that phrase to me a lot too.
Speaker 1:I love that yeah.
Speaker 2:So he you know he's like pretty keenly aware of um of my sensitivity, and then you know how that affects everybody else in the household especially.
Speaker 1:I need to tell my husband. Just just ask me if I need a hug next time.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's game changing.
Speaker 1:It's really good.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why haven't I done that yet?
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh Right. Oh, there you go, you got a takeaway, I love it. So let's see I've got. Well, I've got a few more questions and then we'll, as we wrap up, I'll ask you the three questions that I ask everybody, but I know you have something called the trifecta of focus, have you? Let's let's dive into that. I mean, maybe it might encompass some things that we already talked about, but let's talk about that specifically.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 1:So what I noticed when I was searching for help, when I became a mom and I was just desperate and I was feeling so much shame and so much stress, I noticed all of the stuff out there that I was finding either focused just on like disciplining the child, or it focused on sometimes it focused on the parenting as well.
Speaker 1:But I noticed to get a real lasting shift we need to focus on three different things, and that's the child, the self and the environment. And when I began combining these three together it created like real transitions, real shifts that lasted, rather than just band-aids. So when we're focused on the child as well, rather than just focusing on the immediate behavior and trying to discipline, we're focusing on the core needs and the root source so that we're not fighting the symptoms right, we're trying to provide what they need from the root, without the opposition, and then those difficult behaviors melt away. And then, when we're focused on the self, a lot of it is us being observant, kind of pausing, learning and growing some just foundational life skills, and then as we're doing that, we're also helping our children learn them. And then, with environment, we're just optimizing our environment to help us learn and grow and to help our kids with the core needs, so they all work together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so optimizing our environment, some of the things that immediately come to mind for me are like less or no clutter. Are like less or no clutter, you know, having like a streamlined arts and crafts shelf for my older kids, cause they like that, so them having access to different tools they want to use essential oils is a part of it. You know, having everything kind of like click, cleaned up or clean or tidy I sage the house a lot. You know like speaking of energy. So those are the things that come up for me. Do you have anything specific for the environment that you like dimming the lights, like I think of all those sensory things.
Speaker 1:That, but also even just having like a routine, so your environment could also be like the flow in the house, right. And one of the biggest things that patterns that I've noticed and help parents and kids with is when the child doesn't feel safe. It's a subconscious thing and a lot of the parents will say that's ridiculous. I, my child, is safe and I'm like, oh, I know you're keeping them safe, it has nothing to do with that. I know that it's just a subconscious thing. If they don't feel safe, then these different behaviors emerge and they're not trying to do it on purpose and it's just the way the body is created to protect you, right. And so part of it could be that there's absolutely no organization at all or there's no flow in the day, and so they never know what to expect. There's no boundaries, they never know if something's okay or not, so they're just always on alarm and high alert. So that's a good example of one.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, yes, yes, that's something. So we homeschool and so my big kids will be. You know they'll take classes a few days a week, but two days they have off and I've noticed on those off days it can be a little wonky.
Speaker 2:And I'm like I've boiled it down to, there's no one thing that we always do on Wednesdays and Fridays. It's always a little bit different. And so I noticed, when I set the expectations of the flow of the day, the schedule, the routine, what we're going to do, who we're going to see, where we're going to go, if we're going to stay home, like, and and that really really does help. And I'm like I you know this might be like a limiting thing, but I'm someone who likes to go with the flow and like wake up and like how do I feel? Am I tired? Am I rested? What's going on? What do I need? Nature, do I want to just hang on the house? What do I need?
Speaker 2:And that doesn't like work for my kids. They're like they don't want to fly by the seat of my pants, like that. You know. They want to like know what to expect and or choose what they want to do. So, yeah, that's. I'm glad you brought up that. That's, uh, the flow and not just the clutter picked up, because that's the first place.
Speaker 1:My mind went to yeah, and honestly, I've had to learn how to have grace when it comes to clutter, for myself too, because my mom is very organized and clean. I grew up in a pristine home and I just cannot live up to that Like I can't do what she's done. I don't know how she did it, but it's just not my personality type and when I try to be that, I get so depressed, I get so triggered all the time, like not, like I feel not good enough all the time. So I've had to accept like mama, you're a super mama, but I'm just not quite the same as you. I can't. I can't do all those little tiny, nitty gritty details as well as you. So I had to give myself grace there. And and I noticed that as long as it's organized, it can still almost seem cluttered, but as long as, like, we know where this can be found, where that goes, um, we have a flow that has helped a lot, so that's a big one Love that Also because I tend to get easily stressed out.
Speaker 1:If you think of trying to tap into all three of those things at once, it seems overwhelming right For me. I was like, oh my goodness, I have to address all three of these. So part of the trifecta focus framework is each month I focus on a developmental skill I need to get better, which there's a lot of them. I'm working a lot on myself. I was like, wow, I learned nothing growing. So there's just one developmental skill I'm focused on.
Speaker 1:But the first week of the month I focus on one technique for my child, because that's the child focus week and I just do that. There's just one thing, one small thing, that relates to that developmental skill. And then the second week of the month I focus on the self more. And one thing that I'm going to focus on for that whole week that's related to that developmental skill for the month. And the third week is the environment. How am I going to optimize the environment so we can get better at this developmental skill? To optimize the environment so we can get better at this developmental skill. And the third week I keep practicing all three of those and I reflect and celebrate and that is how I'm able to keep my mind from just shutting down from overwhelm and stress. But still progress just a little bit. But it compounds yeah.
Speaker 2:Will you be my mom? So good, I mean, that sounds so amazing and will you give us an example of like one of the developmental skills you've done in the past, or one that you're doing currently?
Speaker 1:So one of my biggest weaknesses is the emotional communication. So on the child week usually the child week is is like a, a game or like a chat type of technique. So with communicating emotions, on the child week we might have um, I have this really cute little emotion monsters for the, for the little ones, and we go through and it says the emotion and then it says things you can do when you feel that emotion, any kind of like flash cards, emotional flash cards, things like that. For the slightly older kids we can do scenarios. So what if this happened? And you notice that? What do you think that child would be thinking? If you saw this child in this situation, what do you think they'd be thinking and feeling? Or you know, we just practice talking about scenarios and then for the self week I really focus on I call it open emotional processing. I can't hold anything in. I have to verbalize exactly what I'm feeling, especially to my kiddos. Right, it's like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. Can I just get a few minutes by myself? And actually my son he's learned to ask me if I need a hug and I'm the type of person that sometimes I'm like no, I need space right now. But thank you. And then sometimes I'm like, yes, so he's learned, because I've asked him that. I love that. But yeah, the emotional, open, emotional processing for the self week practice, talking about how I'm feeling and asking my kids what do you think I should do? How can I help myself feel better?
Speaker 1:And then on the third week, when it comes to emotional processing, we have a few different techniques. We do have like little buckets where we can put anything in. Sometimes I use it for the like bored activities, but that's what's in it right now. But if I'm focusing on emotions, we can put like the way that we're feeling in notes in there just to let it out. Or we can have it be like different things you can do. If you're feeling overwhelmed, we can pull one out, so having something in the environment to help us with that. And then on the celebrate and the reflect and the practice week, I would just keep trying to combine all three of those practice on all three of them at once instead of just one, and then I would take notes what worked, what didn't work, and then I would make sure that I would celebrate in some way because I worked on bettering myself, my kids worked on bettering themselves. So that's an example of maybe emotional communication for one month on bettering themselves.
Speaker 2:So that's an example of, maybe emotional communication for one month. Yeah, that's great. It's just your framework and the work that you're teaching is such a proactive way to parent and to really like it's self-development parenting Like it almost has nothing to do with our kids, which is like counterintuitive. But it's true, like it's. You know, we are the ones who we need to work on.
Speaker 2:You said something too, before we wrap up, I'm going to touch on you said in regards to our kids, instead of fighting the symptoms, like something along the lines of that and I think so often we're trying to fight the symptoms or fight the behavior, or change the child or change this or change that, and I just like I always need this reminder and so I'm going to say it also like our children are not a problem to be solved, they're not like a puzzle, they're not like we don't need to fix them, and then, on that same notion, same for us, like we're not a problem that needs to be solved. We are who we are. We can, with so much grace, take accountability for that and then shift to a more proactive approach for parenting, which it sounds like you've done just absolutely beautifully. So thank you so much for the work that you're doing, and will you tell us how we can find you, follow you and learn more about the work that you're doing in the world?
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Thank you so much. I just love that. I love what you're doing too, and I love having these interviews with other people that are on the same mission. It just makes me so inspired and excited. I do have a website. It's called preschoolparentingpaniccom, and on there you can find one of my favorite cheat sheets. It's basically talking about the five most common difficult behaviors in children, and then, what you know, we talked about those three. Did we talk about the three core needs? Not yet. No, we didn't, we didn, did we?
Speaker 2:talk about the three core needs, not yet. No, we didn't. We didn't. I mean, it was probably woven through.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we talked about safety and autonomy and connection, and so it does go over the five most common difficult behaviors and then the underlying causes or core needs that might need to be addressed to help those behaviors melt away, rather than battling with the behaviors. So that one would be a good one, and that one I like, because it really helps people hold grace for themselves as a mom, as a parent and also for their children, because once you realize they're not trying to act this way, they're not being malicious, they're just thinking I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know how to ask for help, but I need it ambitious.
Speaker 2:They're just thinking I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know how to ask for help, but I need it. Yeah, they don't have those verbal skills yet to to connect the dots of what's going on internally. We that's, you know, that's our role, one of our roles as parents, like the biggest one, to observe what's happening for them and to intuit I'm noticing a lot of the times what that might be, because there's so much. It could be like the sleep, the food, the this, that, that the sensitivity that you know, like and like. If we go on the internet it'll be like I can't. We got to take them to the chiropractor and have them drink green juice, and then we have to have a bedtime routine and then we need to homeschool them.
Speaker 2:We need to do all these things and it's like like no, let's just like intuit what might be going on and like shift a couple little things proactively so you make your work. Just it makes so much sense, it's so common sense we don't need to fret about everything, like there's very simple actions we can take. It's beautiful, all right. So let's wrap up. I'm going to ask you the first of three questions that I ask everybody at the end of the interview, and the first is what's bringing you joy today?
Speaker 1:Well, this sounds so silly, but my family and I decided to update our kitty room. We save a lot of animals and we're up to four cats and we have a whole room. My son just named it the kitty kingdom because we added like towers and scratch posts, and that just made my heart explode with love.
Speaker 2:So I love it. Your kids are so lucky to be growing up around animals too. I think it's so, um, it's so important for them. I just talked about getting chickens, and my kids are like every day, so how about those chickens, mom?
Speaker 1:Do it, it'll become an obsession. I'm just saying you're going to end up getting too many.
Speaker 2:I have a feeling. Do you have chickens?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And it became an obsession. Did it. How do you okay? Practical question how do you keep the dogs and the cats from wanting to murder the chickens? So our cats.
Speaker 1:They've all been saved and they're they're indoor. That's why they have like an entire room and it's a sun room, so there's a lot of sun coming in, but I don't, I don't let them outside because we live out in the country. I could let them out Some people would disagree with me on that but I have to protect them. So, and the dogs? They have like a big space that's fenced in and the chickens have there's a different section that's fenced in, so they have to be separated.
Speaker 2:Got it Okay.
Speaker 1:But if you do want to get chickens, start with the eggs in an incubator. That's how we started and I was mind blown and I just thought it was the most beautiful, miraculous thing, with the babies hatching from the eggs and my kids were like, oh, that's cool. And they walked away and I'm sitting there watching it like, oh my gosh, this is so beautiful.
Speaker 2:It's like the circle of life. Yeah, oh my gosh, it's so cool. Yeah, we would definitely start with the with the eggs for sure. Oh, cool. All right, that was like a little tangent, but very important, very important in the South. So, um, what, if anything? Are you reading right now the book that you mentioned earlier? What was it Didn't you mention? No, maybe that was see. When I have back-to-back interviews, I go like, oh, which conversation was that? Are you reading anything right now and if so, what is it?
Speaker 1:So I actually just started reading the Bible with my son because I always was kind of turned away from it, growing up very into you know the energy and everything. But now I'm realizing it goes together and so we've been exploring that a lot more. We've been having a lot of Bible studies together and I've been really enjoying it.
Speaker 2:Cool, that's awesome. That's an awesome recommendation. It was my last interview. I just figured out it was the blessings of a skinny book. That's the one I had written down. So anyway, okay, and then the last question I have for you is who or what have you learned the most from?
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness, that's hard because with the ADHD, I am a research nerd and it's almost like you can only pack so much information in, so a lot of it comes in and comes out and I don't know. That is such a good question. I think I've learned the most from my children because they have been that direct reflection that tells me exactly what I've done wrong, what I need to do better, what I need to heal from and what I need to grow from. And since I've given birth to them, I'm like a completely different person now because I've grown so much. So I really think that they've taught me the most, even without them realizing that they've been doing it.
Speaker 2:Totally yeah. It's one of the most common answers that I get for this question.
Speaker 1:That's awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's so funny because there've been some outlier answers, and typically the outlier answers are like when somebody names one of their parents, which just happened recently, and I was like that rarely happens, but a lot of people say that they've learned the most from their kids and I think it's a beautiful testament to the fact that it's just such a journey and such a heart opening journey, and so I'm really thankful for that and I'm thankful for you and the work you're doing. Thank you so much for showing up in all your wisdom today. Thank you so much for having me.