The Transformative Power of Emotions in Motherhood

Craving more calm in the chaos? This one is for you! Melissa Peduzzi is on the podcast today and we're  unmasking the influence of thoughts and emotions on our daily reality. With a focus on motherhood, we discuss how unhealed emotions often serve as a breeding ground for frustrations rather than our children. Melissa shares insightful suggestions to turn the tables on overwhelming days, manage mom guilt, and accentuates the significance of proactive parenting.

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Transcript

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Empowering Moms to Overcome Overwhelm

Speaker 1 0:51

We are literally doing the best we can with what we have , and every moment's a learning opportunity to grow and to impact . And it's an opportunity We've never done this day before and we'll never do it again , but we can learn from them .

Speaker 2 1:10

Welcome , revolutionary Mama , to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast . I'm Ryan Watkin , educator , mom of three , revel at heart and passionate soul , on a mission to empower and inspire you .

Speaker 2 1:24

Here we'll explore psychology , spirituality , parenthood and the intersection where they all come together . We'll discover how challenges can be fertile soil for growth and that even in the messy middle of motherhood , we can find magic in the mundane . Join me on my own personal journey as I talk to experts and share resources on education , creativity , self-care , family , culture and more . I believe we can change the world by starting at home in our own minds and hearts , and that when we do , we'll be passing down the most important legacy there is healing , and so it is . Hello , beautiful people , welcome back to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast . Yay , you're back . Thanks for coming back . The podcast is growing . The downloads are growing . It's really exciting to see and I love it and I love being on this journey alongside of you .

Speaker 2 2:23

This is not a one-sided journey . This is very much me having a journey and you kind of getting to peek behind the curtain of my journey on many of these conversations . A lot of the people I'm choosing to speak with are people who I know I can learn something from . Sometimes I have more wisdom to offer and complimentary with the wisdom that our guests are offering , and sometimes I'm just like totally in student mode and learning from people . So , and this conversation was a little bit of both . So today I am joined by Melissa Paduzzi . She is a mom of two teen boys , who keep her on her toes , of course , and a certified mindset and life coach at Mom Life by Design . Her mission is helping all moms to stop being overwhelmed there's that word again by the frustrations of motherhood and instead take control to create the day-to-day experience that they dream of . That is so interesting because I think so often I know that I can get caught up and overwhelmed in this like big picture of who will my kids be in this number of years ? Who will my kids be as adults ? Who will my kids be next year . Oh , if we could only get to an easier stage . But I think , bringing it way back down to just day-to-day how we're feeling , how we're showing up for ourselves and our kids , how we're responding to our children's challenges , how we're responding to our own challenges , how we're responding to everybody in our house , our dog , our partner , our kids , everybody the visitors we invite in , whatever so , yeah , I think this is a really I know this is a really important conversation to have .

Speaker 2 4:06

We talk a little bit about the reason quote , unquote our kids are making us crazy and , spoiler alert it's not our kids , it's us . Whenever I repair with my children , I tell them mommy was angry , sad , whatever fill in the blank here and it has nothing to do with you . It has something to do with mommy feeling really angry in her own body and needing to process through that whatever in a developmentally appropriate way to talk to your kids . My kids are still young so I don't have like a super in-depth conversation about it , but I own up to we can own up to our own feelings in our own bodies . No external source outside of us including and especially our kids have the ability to take our own power away . We don't yell because our kid did something . We yell because we have something that's unhealed within us that comes out when we get triggered or upset by an external source . So this is a really important nuance .

Speaker 2 5:07

Here we talk about the inputs and outputs of motherhood . We talk about repression . We talk about how to stop an overwhelming day in its tracks . Yes , please . I think when we can be aware that we're starting to get on this train of overwhelm and we're like chugging down the track like choo choo , we need to first just stop and become aware of like okay , I'm on the train , I didn't buy this ticket , I did not get on this train willingly , but here I am and it feels like I'm getting carried away with this , whatever the demands are of the day , whatever the problem of the day is , and if we stop and become aware of that , melissa has an amazing tip to turn the day around right in its tracks . So that's really important , that we talk about the antidote to mom guilt , which is one of my favorite questions right now . I've been navigating through those sticky waters of mom guilt occasionally throughout the past oh , forever . So I think it's really important to talk about mom guilt and that's one of the antidotes in itself . And then , yes , how to go from reactive to proactive . Melissa will share a link in the podcast in the episode , and I will put that link in the show notes as well so you can go down there and click . It's momlifebydesigncom slash raising wild hearts , I believe . I'll make sure to put it in the show notes so I get it completely correct .

Speaker 2 6:39

Jump into the membership to become a founding member starting at $10 a month . I'm so excited to start seeing some of you in our monthly lunch and learns and our women's circles . This is so , so crucial . It takes a village , healing takes being witnessed , and so I will be right there alongside of you facilitating a wonderful healing sacred women's circle monthly . And then also we're gonna do kind of like a double click lunch and learn on a topic that we all wanna learn about , which you know .

Speaker 2 7:09

I'm going to start with bringing the past guests on for more , and I won't say who the first one will be , but I've got some amazing ideas lined up for you guys and for me , so I'm really excited to start that . So check out those links below and click on them . If you haven't subscribed yet , please subscribe . If you feel super inspired and you have 30 seconds , click right a review on Apple Podcast and write some awesome words about why you like being here and what the takeaways you get are , and how you walk away feeling inspired and motivated , et cetera . Thank you so much in advance . I really appreciate you . So glad you're here , so glad we're on this journey together . Let's dive into today's conversation .

Speaker 1 7:51

Hi Melissa , welcome to the podcast . Hey , Ryan , it's great to be here . It's great to have you .

Speaker 2 8:02

So I wanna jump right in with our kids are making us crazy . What's going on ? Is that a thing ? Is that our kids are making us crazy ? I think every mom would say yes , absolutely . I think every mom would say yes , absolutely . I think every mom would say yes absolutely .

Speaker 1 8:18

I think every mom would say , yes , absolutely , it is a thing , right . I think it's so easy to feel that way , like we wear so many hats as moms . We've got the mom hat , the chef hat , the driver hat , the scheduler hat , the doctor hat . It's just crazy . There's a bazillion more . Do you know the book Caps for Sale ? I don't .

Speaker 1 8:35

It's about this guy who's selling caps , but he's got like a bazillion hats piled up on his head and every time I read the book I think about moms and it just makes me laugh Just all the hats that we wear . And I read this crazy statistic that , no matter if moms stay at home or work outside the home , moms work an average of 106 hours a week .

Speaker 2 8:58

I'm crying 106 . I know , right , isn't ?

Speaker 1 9:01

that crazy it's , so much it is . And then , in addition to all of the things , there's the mental load of being a mom . Now we all know that that is huge . We know the kid's favorite granola bar , and heaven forbid we buy the wrong one at the grocery store . We know what they're hoping for for Christmas . We know all the things that are going on to keep everything running smoothly behind the scenes , and the weight of that is so much in our minds , they're so full .

Speaker 1 9:28

I say that all the time , like my brain cannot hold another thing , and I know momma's feel me on that , because we carry the weight of so much in our brains . We do . And then , on top of that , the impact of motherhood is always in the back of our heads . We're not only trying to keep these little people alive which sometimes they make it really , really difficult to try to keep them alive we're also trying to raise them to be productive and help the members of society , and the weight of that is tremendous . And so we've got like this backpack full of insanely heavy weights that we're carrying around with us every day . We have access to the entire world to compare ourselves against and we're just seeing the highlights , but it feels like we're seeing there every day . Why don't we measure up to that ? It's just like this perfect storm to create overwhelm , and so , of course , when we're stuck in overwhelm , our kids are going to be making us crazy . Right ? We've got no room for anything else , right ?

Speaker 2 10:26

And so it's actually not our kids , it's us Like really , yeah , yeah , yeah , it is that's the good news and the bad news Like we get to choose Soch , but yes , 100% , ouch for sure . So I think that's a common narrative . I think we as moms , you know oh , my kid's driving me crazy If we had a dollar for every time we heard that in the playground or at mom's night out or whatever and so I think , when we rein this accountability back into our own minds and hearts , it feels like a lot . You know , it can feel like that's one more weight added to the backpack of okay , now , on top of this backpack , now I need to take accountability for my own feelings , emotions , trauma , unworthiness , et cetera , et cetera . And so how can we lighten that load and make it a little easier for us to take accountability without adding it onto the backpack ?

Speaker 1 12:54

Absolutely Just to . I'm gonna tell you a story . Just the other day , I was feeling like insanely frustrated with everyone in my house . I was irritable , I was snapping at everyone things that I would just normally laugh at , and I was like what in the world is going on ? So I pressed pause . I looked , I dug a little bit deeper and I realized that I was creating my frustration , that I was experiencing with my thoughts . My kids are making me crazy and no one appreciates all I do around here , and so I was feeding myself this narrative of these two thoughts , and our thoughts literally create our emotions .

Speaker 1 13:30

I think a lot of times we make ourselves a victim to the circumstances or the things that are going around us , to this heavy backpack that we're carrying . Oh , woe is me . I can't help how I feel now , but the truth is we have all of the power in the world to take that back and go . Hey , wait a minute . It's not my husband that's making me crazy , it's not my kids that are making me crazy . I'm literally making myself crazy by playing this song and dance over and over again . And our brains they're wired to keep us safe and alive and this narrative that you've been playing over and over again has kept you alive maybe not thriving , but it's worked so far , and so we've continued to dig this deep rut in our brain . So it's really easy to fall into here , and so we have to do the hard work of starting to dig a new pathway . Instead of my kids are making me crazy .

Speaker 1 14:22

One thought that I love to practice is I'm just the mom that my kids need , and so whatever they're bringing to me , I'll start practicing that . I'm just the mom my kids need . I'm equipped for this . I can handle whatever this thing is , and that provides so much more peace in that moment . Instead of my kids are making me crazy and our brains they find exactly what they're looking for . Our brains do . We point them in that direction . They head down that way , and so we get to choose where we're gonna shine that flashlight , what are we gonna illuminate , what are we gonna focus on , and then we can move forward with so much more peace . That backpack doesn't feel as heavy when you're not loading it up with all of these thoughts that are weighing you down and continuing to add evidence to that backpack , because you're gonna find evidence of how they're making you crazy . They're kids , they're gonna do it Totally If instead , we look for evidence of how we are the mom that they need , how much lighter is that Right ?

Speaker 1 15:15

a lot lighter and I think that even yeah , and it even allows us to take some of those extra weights that are in there . That impact of motherhood that we were talking about , that raising kids to be productive members of society I've got everything they need . I don't have to hold all of society's weights on my back . I've got what I need .

Speaker 2 15:33

I can let that one go too , yeah yeah , I think , from a spiritual perspective , our kids choose us and they see what we need to heal , they see the family that they're gonna land in , and I think it's all divinely created personally . So it's such an opportunity for us to face some of those things that feel really hard within ourselves . Also , I've been diving into this .

Speaker 2 15:59

I love how your thoughts are creating our feelings and then our emotions

Power of Emotions and Processing Them

Speaker 2 16:03

, and then it creates our reality and it's this loop , right ? So this is like step one , like we're creating this loop . If we continue to tell ourselves that some external thing outside of us is that we're letting it create our internal reality . That's like step one . The awareness , and then also I've been playing with and practicing our bodies are sending our brains the thought too . So it's this highway between our brain and our nervous system and it goes up and down . So our thoughts , yes , but how do we get into our bodies and send signals of safety to ourselves so that we can show up at least neutral , not like oh , my kid's driving me crazy , and not like Mary Poppins , like faking it , but like in a neutral place , right ? So what are your thoughts on that ?

Speaker 1 16:56

I think you're exactly right , and I think we create a lot of thoughts about our emotions too . I think a lot of us were never taught how to process our emotions , and emotions are just signals . They're in our body , it's movement through our body and they're giving us a message , and a lot of times they have a really loving message if we can sit with them and be quiet with them and let them move through our body . But somewhere along the way a lot of us have an internalized message that some of our feelings are good and some of them are bad , and so we've learned to repress those bad emotions . We hold them down under the surface , and I like to use the analogy it's just like holding a beach ball underwater , and all of you mamas who've been in a pool with your kiddos know what happens when they're holding that beach ball under the water . It flies up eventually and pops somebody in the face , and then there's tears and everybody's upset . Our emotions are the same . We hold them down under the surface and our body remembers they hold on to them , and so there's so much power in learning to be with those all of the emotions . We're a human . We get to experience a full range of emotions . That's how we were created With all of the emotions , whether we label them good or bad , they're just are , and so , when we can be at peace with those in our body and we can learn to feel them , it actually takes about 90 seconds to process a feeling and to move it through our body , but instead we like to hold on to them for years and then they create this eruption all over those we love in the most unloving ways , and so I think that's really important to understand to lean into your body as you're feeling those feelings .

Speaker 1 18:33

There's nothing wrong with you for feeling them , and once you feel them , they're already there . Like you can't unfeel a feeling , and so you've got to learn to let that move through your body . I talk myself through it if that sounds a little weird , but I'll be like you know what I'm feeling , really frustrated . I'll put my hand over my heart where I can feel it racing , like my cheeks feel flushed , my throat feels really tight right now , and I'll just kind of talk as an outside observer to watch what that feeling's doing and kind of follow it all the way through . I love to walk to move the energy , because emotions are energy and I'll walk and get them out . Sometimes I walk and cry , so I'm sure that my neighbors think I'm a little nutty , but it moves them through your body and gives you such a stronger foundation to come back the next time with those feelings , be able to process them faster , move them through your body , clear them out and not be that exploding volcano .

Speaker 2 19:32

Totally . Not only does that not sound weird , but it sounds necessary , you know , normal , something that I hope becomes mainstream , because you mentioned the word repressed or repression , or how we shove down these things and through culture . So our religion , our , you know parenting , our education systems , our various systems that we've participated , either by , you know , default or by choice , in our lives , especially as children between zero to 10 , let's call it , we were programmed to do that . Most of us received the message feelings aren't safe , because nobody at that time knew how to hold space for the feelings . So an added byproduct of us being able to do that for ourselves is then we get to do it for our kids . And even when you talked about narrating for yourself , I've been doing it in front of my kids lately too .

Speaker 2 20:32

This morning , we were getting ready to leave and we were having a little issue , like you know , the issue of the day

Managing Mom Guilt and Finding Support

Speaker 2 20:38

, right and I said , oh my gosh , I'm about to freak out . I can feel . And my kids are like , look at me . I go , wow , I'm about to freak out . Okay , I'm gonna breathe . I'm gonna stand here right now and breathe . So I don't freak out . Okay , wow , I feel better now that I'm breathing . Okay , all right , let's go . And this is from years and years of practice . And this is not to aim for perfection , cause , like you know , that's another one of the hats that we wear is perfection , like , take it off . We're not trying to be perfect . We're trying to show our kids that we're not perfect , that emotions are safe , that they're not gonna hurt us , that we can process through it , feel it , let it go and then move on with our day .

Speaker 1 21:25

Yes , there's so much power in that and our kids learn so much by example . I love to tell mommas that all the time like , don't beat yourself up over mistakes , you're learning . We're all learning and growing together and your kids are watching that . And what an example for them to see . When it doesn't go the way that you wanted it to , and then you come back to repair . How beautiful is that , and I love that you brought . You can talk this through with your kids .

Speaker 1 21:52

One of the things I love to do too , is to give them a color , my emotions a color , and that totally pulls me out of it . So I'll be like this feels really purple right now . And then I will also imagine it as like a little toddler that is throwing a tantrum and I'm like okay , what is it that you aren't , you're not getting right now that you need ? What is it that you're feeling upset over ? What are you missing ? And then sometimes I just take the toddler and strap it in the car seat in the back of my 15 passenger van and the toddler's allowed to ride along with me .

Speaker 1 22:24

But the toddler does not get to drive the car , and so when I can pull myself out of my feelings instead of sitting in them and being . These are bad things . They're not . They're little messengers . So it's like the check engine light in our body and says , hey , here's something for you . And when we can be at peace with that and learn . It is a process for sure , I mean . I just gave you an example from like yesterday where I was flipping out . It happens all the time , but we keep practicing , we keep showing up for ourselves , we keep giving ourselves the grace to move forward and to practice this over and over again .

Speaker 2 22:57

Yeah , is the 15 passenger van is at a metaphor , Cause I like it . Yes , I don't have a 15 passenger van . I was like oh my God , how many kids do you have ?

Speaker 1 23:05

No , just the two . The 15 passenger van is a metaphor , because I need a lot of distance sometimes between the screaming toddler , and so that gives like I can do it all the way in the back seat and maybe with some headphones in . It's a dull scream in the back and so I can move forward a little safer when I'm driving the car .

Speaker 2 23:21

Yeah , I love that metaphor . So in the last episode we talked about with Sarah Jompo , we talked about like externalizing our feelings and it's kind of like parts work , like putting you know this agitated feeling within us like outside of us and saying we see you , you're here , you're valued , you're honored , and we don't have to when it we don't have to like identify with it . It just it gives it so much space . So I love the 15 passenger van metaphor . I'm gonna use that , thank you , yes , please do .

Speaker 1 23:57

It helps me so much because you sometimes just you know , putting it in the back of the tourist isn't gonna work . It's a little too close .

Speaker 2 24:03

You need a little space . Totally , I'm all about that space . All right , let's talk about mom guilt .

Speaker 1 24:09

I think this is a really good segue .

Speaker 2 24:11

What's the antidote ? Simply put , tell us the secret of life in 30 seconds go .

Speaker 1 24:17

I wish that was the thing , right . Yeah , I wish it was the thing . Mom . Guilt comes when we're telling ourselves a story that's not true . Yeah , 100% . And sometimes we don't even recognize the story that we're telling ourselves . It's so deeply ingrained in us , it's been practiced over and over again and this is where it's so valuable to have someone you trust to be able to talk this through with . It can be a friend , a counselor , a coach , a spouse , a sister , anybody that you can sit and talk through . That can then reflect your thoughts back to you and be like hey , you said this , is this really what you think ? Is this really how you feel ?

Speaker 1 24:58

And I know I've been in the position so many times where my words have been said back to me and I'm like oh wow , I didn't even realize I was saying those things , much less believing them . And , just like we talked about before , when we say those things , we're pointing our brain to find all the evidence . So if we're thinking I'm such a bad mom I never get anything right , I always mess everything up we're gonna find all of the evidence for that and continue to build a case against ourselves . And I know for me and a lot of moms . It's all the shoulds that are killing us . This should be easier . I shouldn't feel this way . Other moms are doing this great , why can't you ? You should be able to .

Speaker 1 25:40

And that just creates so much guilt and shame within us and nobody operates well out of guilt and shame and it spills out on those we love all around us . It's just this ugly cycle , and so our brain is so smart , so smart , and when you put it to work with a thought , it starts to look for the evidence to prove those things are right , and we can replay them over and over and reinforce all the things that we don't wanna be , or we can reinforce all the things that we do wanna be . And I think , as moms , we are so quick to offer grace to everyone else around us , but we have to learn to extend that grace back to ourselves , and we started to talk about this a little bit earlier . We are literally doing the best we can with what we have , and every moment's a learning opportunity to grow and to impact , and it's an opportunity We've never done this day before and we'll never do it again . But we can learn from them , and we don't berate our children when they're learning a new skill .

Speaker 2 26:44

We don't Hopefully not yes .

Speaker 1 26:47

When they're learning to walk and they fall down , we don't say , oh my gosh , why aren't you walking ? What's wrong with you ? Yeah , we cheer them on . We're like look at you , you stood up , you're doing amazing , you can do it , keep trying . And we encourage them over and over again . And if only we could look at ourselves with those same eyes . Yeah , look at us , we're doing it . We stood up , we took a step and then we fell down . What a great job , and we're gonna try again . Let's do this . How much more empowered would we be as moms if we could cheer ourselves on like that , and I think we can do that for the moms in our circles too . We can cheer them on too . Look at you , you're doing this thing . Did it happen perfectly ? Absolutely not , because you're a human . It never will . But you are trying and you are doing amazing .

Speaker 1 27:36

And when we can show up like that together . We're so much better together , but offering that to ourselves first and then to those around us . I think there's so much power in eliminating mom guilt by focusing on the little steps instead of expecting that perfection hat to be on all of the time . We can take that off and we can look at us for doing this thing .

Speaker 2 27:58

Yeah , so let's talk about somebody who maybe doesn't have that safe circle of moms to bounce ideas off of . Do you have thoughts on where to find this kind of compassionate community of like-minded mothers or like , where do we go Because it's not necessarily social media , sometimes it's not with our family , I think , for our generation , putting a stop to intergenerational trauma , it can be hard to bring it to a parent or another caregiver that we had because we're trying to many of us do things a different way . So where do we find that loving , supportive person to bounce this stuff off of ?

Speaker 1 28:44

That's such a great question and I would love if I had a blanket answer for everybody . I think it's kind of a trial and error for a lot of us . Just by showing up and being our whole vulnerable selves we can validate ourselves where we are . But then we start showing up places . I think your podcast is a beautiful place to start getting those messages poured into you .

Speaker 1 29:08

As you listen , it's a friend talking to you . We're just friends here , sharing what we know , sharing along this journey . We all have such gifts to offer , and so when we can vulnerably show up wherever we are , be it at the playground , be it at the mom's group , be it in a social media circle sometimes those are not the best place to find people , because there's a lot of Judgy McJederson's out there , but we can still find connection there too , and so I just think there's so much value in just showing up for yourself and then others . And it's scary , it's a really hard thing to do to be vulnerable . So I'm grateful for the work that you're doing here on your podcast and being able to pour into those mamas .

Speaker 2 29:46

Yeah , thank you . I think it starts too with being able to stand in our truth and be authentic with ourselves . Once we're able to be honest with who we are this judgment piece like not judging others when we're judging others we're judging ourselves so really breaking that down . I think in the beginning of my motherhood journey my oldest is almost nine , I , you know it took a while to find my way and I found a group of moms and she was like one , and it saved my life to be able to just hang out with this group of moms , with these one year olds , and have these kind of like deeper conversations . Cause what I noticed is that , like at the park , down the street or at the library or at the mommy and me , there weren't these like deeper conversations going on . It was like , oh , what kind of stroller do you have ? It was kind of this like very surface , shallow vibe , and if you've been here for a long time in the pod , my loves , you know that I'm wanting to constantly go deeper .

Speaker 2 32:11

And so I found this group of moms that I could go deep with and we could say honestly , like , why isn't this easy , like I thought it would be ?

Speaker 2 32:20

Why am I feeling like really disgruntled , and I only have a one year old . Why am I feeling all these outside pressures , like I think we need to normalize talking about how hard it is and I'm not saying to like we don't want to like go to this like valley and stay there , but I think it's important for us to be able to say like yo , this is fucking hard . You guys , and I think so many people , are repressing that in itself . So you know , there needs to be this balance of like oh , my God , our kids are so amazing , they're so beautiful , and I'll know that because there's that Like it's a thousand times more love than we ever envisioned and it's like 10,000 times harder than we thought it would be right , or you know . So , yeah , I think like being able to normalize those hard conversations is great . So how do you find moms being willing to talk about the hard stuff ? Do you find that there are some resistance there ? Do you like what are you seeing ?

Speaker 1 33:26

I see it really depends on the setting , I think . A lot of times I think moms are more willing to be vulnerable in kind of a one-on-one setting or a smaller group . For sure , it feels safer that way and I think when we can show up as a safe person , when we start to practice that authentic self that you were talking about , we can show up as a safe person . It breeds a ground for vulnerability and being able to share those .

Speaker 1 33:50

And a lot of times we have to go first and that's really scary , but we can know what we're looking for and we know what we need . We can trust ourselves in that , and so when we bring that to the table , there's more likely to be moms who are like ooh , that's me too . I like that , I see that and that's what I need to , and so if we go first , we're likely to find our community . But I get that . That is 100% scary because you never know what you're gonna get . But I think , by and large , moms are looking for that . They're just scared , overwhelmed , they think something's wrong with them and they're the only one who feels this way . You're not mama , we're all there , we've all been there , and when we can come together like that you going first and being vulnerable and leading the way what a beautiful example for the mamas around you , and I think there's so much joy in that and one of the ways that I practice this , just for myself . To start with , if you're going , I don't even know how to begin the process . What do I do ? This is the easiest thing you can do and also the hardest , but I set a timer for three minutes . So you set a timer for three minutes and then get out a piece of paper

Creating the Life You Want

Speaker 1 35:04

and I literally write down everything in my brain , everything going on .

Speaker 1 35:10

I'm such a bad mom because I wake up with a lot of junk thoughts that you'll hear those in just a minute . I should have done all of these things and I forgot them . What in the world am I going to do today ? Because this has been so difficult , life is living like living Groundhog Day . I'm just going to do the same day over again , and I can't do that today . This is too much , I can't do it .

Speaker 1 35:29

I will write it all down on a piece of paper . Sometimes my grocery list ends up mixed in the middle of it in the three minutes , because it pops in my head , and so I will write that down to you , and then , when the three minutes are up , I can look back and I have a record of what's going on in my head and I can look and say what is this creating for me ? Is this creating the day that I want Most of the times ? Absolutely not . I don't want to live a day where I'm like , oh my gosh , I'm stuck in Groundhog Day . That's no fun for anybody , right ? And so then I can say , okay , well , what do I want to create ? I have the power to create anything I want with this day . What is it that I want ?

Speaker 1 36:07

Well , today I want to be present and peaceful in my home , and so I can say what generates presence and peacefulness in my home ? I have everything I need for today and that's what I'm going to practice . And so I look around and see how I do have everything I need for today . I'll put it on a sticky note , I'll make it my lock screen on my phone , just so I see it over and over again and can start to practice that new thought instead of those old junk thoughts that keep trying to pop in every day .

Speaker 1 36:36

But just with three minutes , you will uncover so much of what's going inside of your brain and then you can create exactly what you want , moving forward . Now , that's not saying those junk thoughts aren't going to try and come back , because they will . They're like zombies . They just keep coming back . They won't die . But you have that new thought to keep coming up with them , as you , I mean , of course , process those feelings to that come with that , because they're already there and they're not going anywhere . So you can do that and move forward and so much more purpose in your day , creating exactly what you want .

Speaker 2 37:09

Wow , okay , so I love this brain dump idea . Also , I resonate very deeply with the Groundhog Day . Thought I have that one quite a bit . Oh , dear God , today is another one of these days .

Speaker 1 37:24

Like , oh my .

Speaker 2 37:24

God and personally , in the beginning of my motherhood journey , my husband and I sat down , we did a budget , we did a plan on I'm staying home . I'm quitting my career at the time and I'm going to be home with this baby , and so I know I have experiences of working mom too . But I think , like so deeply from that stay at home mom part . That was my like Groundhog Day and I still sometimes get that thought and it's so interesting and I love how you brought up creation . Because we are creators , we get to create our own reality . And how do I want my day to look ? And sure , we have responsibilities , the dishes need to get done , the emails need to be checked , the job needs to be done right , and like we get to make the day we want . That's the most empowering thought we could ever have . What do I want to feel like today ? What do I ? What energy do I want to bring to the table ? What do I want to let go of ? What , like it's so powerful ?

Speaker 2 38:38

I think one of the things that still gets in the way for me and maybe the audience listening will resonate is like we know we can do the brain dump . We know we can go for the walk . We know we need a glass of water , we know we need this . What stops us from doing those things ? We know , logically , a lot of the times , but yet something in us wants to hold us back and go no , you don't need to do that .

Speaker 2 39:02

And then oftentimes I can speak from personal experience the times when you're like , oh , I know I need a walk , or I know I need a nap , or I know I need to insert thing that takes care of yourself and your soul here , yet I'm not going to do it . And then 10 , 20 minutes , two hours later , I'm yelling at my kid or I'm picking a fight with my husband and I'm watching myself act like this you know person , who's not the best version of myself going , oh if I only would have done that thing . And so a lot of it is just learning and bringing that self compassion to the table . But what ? What stops us when we know what we need to do ? Why don't we flip and do it ?

Speaker 1 39:43

I have another story for you . So we adopted both of our boys when they were toddler age and our youngest came home at three and a half . He was learning to write his letters , and so his name starts with a J . We were practicing the J is over and over again . Wasn't going super great , they were a hot mess that we would just kept practicing the J is practicing in chalk , practicing on paper , with paint , whatever . And so one day I wander upstairs to the playroom and all over the back of our couch where the most beautiful Js you have ever seen written in Sharpie , in Sharpie , friends .

Speaker 2 40:22

So you're unmanned . Everybody just had like a visceral reaction .

Speaker 1 40:28

I know , I know , mama yes you see the lid and you're like , oh my gosh , where's the marker ? What happened ? And so our mind is just like that . It's like an unattended three year old with a Sharpie . It can do a whole lot , but it's usually pretty destructive and not productive at all . And so when we don't do those things we just kind of stay in the state of reaction , right , and that's living as a victim to our circumstances . We're willingly giving the Sharpie without a cap to the three year old and think , oh , have fun , go create something . And so we can be constantly frustrated at the three year old with the unattended Sharpie , or we can take back the Sharpie and put it somewhere safe . There's really no one to blame but ourselves in that situation if we just keep letting the three year old run around . And so we know that right , we know this deep in our brains , but our body resists , and it's because that rut is so deep in our brain it has kept us alive thus far . And we have to decide .

Speaker 1 41:31

We want more than just being alive , and that takes effort , that takes intention , that takes doing the thing that you don't really want to do when you're like oh well , put it off a little bit longer . What is busyness ? I'm too busy to do that . What is it doing for you and how is it moving you forward in being who you want to be in this life ? Is it just keeping you alive or is it helping you be who you want to be ?

Speaker 1 42:02

And so sometimes we have to take kind of a strong stance with ourselves , just like you would with a three year old who's running away with the Sharpie . Absolutely not . We are not doing that , buddy . I'm taking that back . I'm going to pick , I pick me , I pick truly living over just being alive . And so when we can remind ourselves of that in those moments , give ourselves the little kick in the butt . We need to get moving and just do the thing , even if it's wrote , I'm just doing it because I have to . It will help . And it starts to dig that trench that we're looking for . That creates exactly what we want .

Speaker 2 42:42

Yes , we want more than just being alive , we want to thrive . I mean , that's such a powerful affirmation . I think you know many of the people here are listening because they resonate so deeply with the role of mother , like we are so committed to being mother , we're so committed to our kids and showing up showing up differently for them in a lot of cases , and this is such a testament to it's not just about the carpool line , it's not just about packing the lunches , it's not just about going through the motions . In our day , we do have these like checkboxy things that we have to do . That is just life . And how are we going to be the joy , see the joy , feel the joy .

Speaker 2 43:42

And , on the other hand , you know , feel the , whatever that hard thing for you to process is , for me , from my infancy it was terror , like , very plain and simple . I had a very . You know I was born into a challenging situation , to say the least . I haven't gone too much into it on this particular podcast , but in another interview maybe I'll link it in the show notes . In another interview I talked a lot about my trauma as an infant , and so I think when

Processing Emotional Trauma, Overcoming Inner Ruts

Speaker 2 44:14

we allow ourselves to , you know , feel both of those ends of the spectrum , we're able to show up in this fullest expression of everything . We can't feel the joy like fully , like fully expressed , until we can process that sadness , anger , terror , frustration .

Speaker 2 44:35

You know , whatever it is for you , like everybody's experience is different and I also think it's universal . We all have the garbage we need to take a look at . And when you mention these ruts , like let's go into a little bit of the rut , like you know not necessarily the full , like you know neuroplasticity , like the whole biology of it , but like where do these ruts come from ? What are they ? And then how do we ? We've already mentioned a lot of like how do we start to stop them ? But let's like talk on that a little bit . The rut , yeah .

Speaker 1 45:08

And they come when we're , they start when we're children . It's messaging that we've internalized , and so maybe one of your ruts is it's not safe to feel angry , because when I feel angry , other people get angry too , and so that's a rut that was enforced in your childhood perhaps , and then as you grow up , you continue to practice that and you are still alive . It has worked for you . Your brain has stayed alive this far by thinking that and by acting on that . But , like we said , we're not going for just alive , and so we have to challenge that and say you know what ? That may have been true .

Speaker 1 45:49

It may still be true that it feels like it's not safe to be angry , that I don't get to feel anger . But I know that that's false . I know that I can be angry and to be safe , and I'm going to allow myself that time to be angry , to feel it here in my body , to rip up a piece of paper into a thousand pieces while I grip my teeth and frustration , to talk myself through it , to feel that thing , and then it becomes a little bit safer , just a little bit . We don't undig ruts . We have to dig new trenches .

Speaker 2 46:26

Right , it's , and both we honor the anger or that heart emotion and then we are connecting these new neural pathways for the . You know , maybe it's just acceptance of like I'm somebody who can feel anger . That could be revolutionary , of being like whoa , I feel anger .

Speaker 2 46:48

For me , I resonate with anger quite a bit . I can like I will say I need to break something , like the pillow thing , like it's not enough , I have to like actually break something . And so actually recently I was like , oh my God , what can I break ? And I found this like little . It was like a piece of like foam board from one of my kids toys . And so I , without my little eyes looking at me , which I , you know , I'm okay with my kids seeing big emotions , developmentally appropriate and as long as they're not like really terrified . But so I like broke this thing . And then I'm like , look at me , I broke this thing .

Speaker 2 47:25

Like what did that really help ? Like ? Okay , I feel anger , you know , and it was a way to like physically process it and I'm like , okay , I'm done , right , so that it's just . I really want to like put the pin in . Is that like ? It's not just like a brain thing , it's not just a thinking thing Right . It's not just , like I think , our angry feelings . It has to be processed in a container , like in a safe way , obviously .

Speaker 1 47:54

So it's not like yes , that's where toxic positivity comes from is when we try to just thought swap , when we say you know what , I'm just going to think this other thing . That never works because those feelings are still there , dormant in our body , and unless we move them through , we're never going to be able to change anything . They're still there in our body . Yeah , there's a lot of deep , deep emotions there and I'm not qualified to work through deep levels of trauma and sort through all of that , but I'm just acknowledging that it's there . Yeah , and it takes time to process and move that through our body because it is so repressed . Yeah , like we were talking about earlier , and there's nothing wrong with you . Yeah , I just want to let that message be heard over and over again . Whatever you feel , there is nothing wrong with you . Yeah , it's just in your body and wants to move through and it probably has a really loving message for you too . Yeah , that sometimes the message is just that you know you can feel all the feelings and be okay .

Speaker 2 48:54

Yeah , and I want to say who is qualified to process all these deep , deep traumatic experiences , and it's you , the listener . And I'm not saying like , ditch the therapist , ditch the this , ditch that . I'm saying get the team , get the qualified experience professionals on your side and you have everything you need to process all the deep stuff you do and I know it because I've done it Like the answer is you and your qualified professionals , like we're not therapists .

Speaker 1 49:25

Absolutely .

Speaker 2 49:26

But I do think it's one of the downfalls of talk therapy . I love talk therapy , I've done talk therapy , I you know I'll probably do talk therapy again , but it's one of the downfalls is that you just like cognitive behavioral therapy is like replacing a thought with a thought , so it's like having a rubber band on your wrist . Many of you have heard this and when you think that icky thought of like oh my gosh , another day like this , you snap your thing . And it helps with the first part of like awareness , but it doesn't help like where did this come from ? What , viscerally maybe , do I need to feel ? What you know ? All of that kind of stuff . So it's like there's so many layers to it . So I just like a most natural thing to do in surrounding a lot of different .

Speaker 2 50:22

Especially , many of you visit , you know people in the community and you know thing that you know . If you really let yourself be with it , you can feel it . So , yes , that's , I'm going to get off my soapbox now . Well , I'm never going to get off of it , but , um , please don't . Yes , let's stay here . It's great .

Speaker 2 50:37

Yeah let's all stay here , and I think we need more of that . I think we need more people standing up and going . You know , I'm like super freaking passionate about this and that and whatever , because we've all got our our hill that we want to die on , and that's part of me doing this podcast and talking to amazing people like you , melissa , like you're out here spreading an amazing message . People need to hear it , people want to hear it . It's really important and I believe I say it all the time that the ripple effect is real , so that the work you're doing is affecting people on a daily basis . So I think it's great . With that said , will you tell us where we can find you ? Will you give us the link that you told me before we started recording ? And then we're going to go into the questions that we wrap up with as we're wrapping up here .

Speaker 1 51:25

Yes , I am so grateful that we got to share this conversation today . Just first and foremost , I think it is so important and so valuable and I really appreciate you bringing your perspective and your lived experience here as well . And that is , for me , the heart of why I started coaching is I just feel so passionately that no mom should have to stay stuck in overwhelm or that frustration . Wherever you feel stuck in , you don't have to stay there . And so to the mom is listening at this conversation resonated with you . I'd love for you to come say hi at momlifebydesign slash . Real happy mom . I've got some gifts just for you guys . Oh , I am so sorry , I messed up that link .

Speaker 2 52:09

That's okay , I can clip it out , do it again . I was going to say but I'm just going to clip this part out , so say it again .

Speaker 1 52:15

Yes , so thank you so much . Bless my notes , I told you yeah .

Speaker 2 52:20

All you have to do is say the link , because I'm going to keep that leading up part . So just say whatever the mom life by design slash raising wild hearts , right , yes , okay , so yeah , just say that .

Speaker 1 52:31

Mom life by design slash raising wild hearts . I've got some gifts just for you guys listening today . So for the mama who feels like she is at the end of her rope I see you , I have been there too . It is exhausting to feel stuck and overwhelming frustration , and I know deep down . You know , being a mom is such a blessing , but it does not feel like it when you are hiding in the back of the closet with your chocolate bar , listening to the chaos and fold on the door right outside . You want so much more , but the demands of mom life make everything else feel so far away . I've got a few spots on my calendar for a free coaching call , just for you and before you hear anything else .

Speaker 1 53:11

Mamas , I know what you're thinking . I want you to know that chaos is welcome on the call . Bring your chaos , bring the kids , bring the laundry . It is expected and welcome . We are moms here . There's no need to have it all together to have the kids tucked away . Just come and let's talk .

Speaker 1 53:28

We're gonna spend 30 minutes talking about what's going on , why the kids are making you crazy . That to-do list , that's gonna be your undoing . Whatever it is , we're gonna dig in and figure out what it is . And then I'm not gonna leave you there In that big pile of suck . We're gonna leave with one actionable item that you can walk forward , knowing that you've got something to create more peace and purpose in your mama life , Because you are not alone , mama . And if you're not quite ready for a call yet , I've got a free download of some new thoughts to practice , to start this process , for you to create what it is you want to create in your life , and you can grab all of that at the link in the show notes . So I can't wait to connect with you .

Speaker 2 54:07

Thank you so much . That's gonna be such an amazing resource . So like to have , like I asked about that community , like where do we find it ? Where do we find it ? So for the mama there listening who feels like maybe they don't have that safe space , melissa , your presence is so calming , like I can envision myself like having a hard day . Like I can envision Ryan eight years ago like having a really hard day and being like , oh my God , I don't have anybody to talk to , and getting on the line with you and chatting for 30 minutes and just being like like total reset , right , because sometimes that's just what we need and sometimes we just need to know that it's possible to have the reset and when we know it's possible , we can continue to replicate that in our lives .

Speaker 2 54:56

So thank you for being that calm presence for us and the moms out there . That's so invaluable right now and as we get further into our journeys and further into the world , feeling more chaotic , I think it's so important for us to lead the way by starting at home . So , mamas , take advantage of that call . What an amazing opportunity . All right , melissa , if you could teach a class to an elementary age group of kiddos tomorrow , what would you teach ?

Speaker 1 55:27

Ooh , that's a really good question . I think I would probably do something on feelings , how to process those , how to feel them , and just that it's okay to have big emotions and what to do with them . I think that would be so much fun to give them some practical things to do with their body and so so , life giving for elementary age kiddos to start practicing those things . I agree , what's bringing you joy today ? My chickens , and when the leaves start falling , I want a Spotify channel of chickens running through leaves . Honestly , it is the best sound ever , but it just makes me so happy to go sit outside and listen to them run through the leaves . It's my favorite .

Speaker 2 56:09

Oh my gosh , that's so sweet . The equivalent of that for me is like the little diaper toddler butt . You know , when the diaper moves it's like this little squishing sound . Oh , I love it . Chickens through the leaves , yes , okay , what , if anything ? Are you reading right now ?

Speaker 1 56:24

Oh , I've got about 15 books that I'm going through right now . I think I'm listening to you hold on to your kids right now , so working through that one , I mentioned that book one billion times on the podcast .

Speaker 2 56:37

So everybody , if you haven't gotten the book yet , get it . Yes , Awesome , Okay . The last question is who or what have you learned the most from ?

Speaker 1 56:50

Hmm , I feel like this is a trick question , but I'm going to say myself I think there is so much value in learning to listen to

Learning From Self

Speaker 1 56:57

yourself , and this is a journey that's been a really long time coming for me . I always looked for validation from outside sources and from other people and what they had to say , but learning to look inward and trust myself has been transformational and so empowering .

Speaker 2 57:17

Mike drop , I mean so intuitive , so beautiful . Thank you again for the work that you're doing in the world and how you're showing up , and thank you so much for the free resources . They're going to be dropped in the link . They're going to be in the link down below in the show notes . So , yeah , check it out . Thank you again for being here . It was such a great conversation .

Speaker 1 57:36

Oh , thanks to you , ryan . This has been such a joy . Thank you , thank you , thank you .