Raising Wild Hearts
Psychology, spirituality, and parenthood with a dash of sarcasm and a whole lotta love. For the cycle-breakers, the change-makers, and the revolutionaries envisioning a more beautiful way to live, work, and play—come hang with Ryann Watkin as she dives into the heart of the matter with the world's leading experts and authors. Oh, and get ready to grow your book list because around here, there can never be enough books.
Raising Wild Hearts
Collaborative Parenting Foundations with Cara Tyrrell
Ever felt like parenting is a journey where the destination seems perpetually out of sight? As we navigate the winding path, we're joined by the insightful Cara Tyrrell, an early childhood educator and collaborative parenting coach. With her unique blend of soul and science-based methodologies, Cara helps us to delve into the nuances of raising children in today's challenging world.
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It's our job as parents to understand from a soul perspective. They are not carbon copies of us. They might have your husband's nose or they might have your ears, and that's lovely, because physical attributes do come through that genetic code, but soul attributes are uniquely theirs and it's your job to observe them.
Speaker 2:Welcome, revolutionary Mama, to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast. I'm Ryan Watkin, educator, mom of three, revel at heart and passionate soul, on a mission to empower and inspire you.
Speaker 2:Here we'll explore psychology, spirituality, parenthood and the intersection where they all come together. We'll discover how challenges can be fertile soil for growth and that even in the messy middle of motherhood, we can find magic in the mundane. Join me on my own personal journey as I talk to experts and share resources on education, creativity, self-care, family, culture and more. I believe we can change the world by starting at home, in our own minds and hearts, and that when we do, we'll be passing down the most important legacy there is Healing, and so it is. Hello friends, welcome back to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast. Oh my gosh, I have an amazing conversation to share today. I'm really excited because we talk about a lot of different things. As always, the conversation just went to beautiful places.
Speaker 2:I have Cara Terrell today on the podcast and we talk about five executive functioning skills. We talk about her methodology, which is called collaborative parenting, which really takes in mind and really takes into account childhood development, and you guys will hear it in the episode. But I have like a light bulb moment when Cara describes it being a collaboration, hence the term collaborative parenting and not just about us. So conscious parenting is a lot of it is. You know. How can we be mindful and aware of our reactions and our wounds and our triggers, etc. Etc. But this really takes into account from the child's perspective too, so it really brings it full circle. It's just a beautiful addition to everyone. I've been talking to so for this season and then in season one also, for sure. Yes, I'm really, really happy that I connected with Cara on LinkedIn. I found her because she's got a podcast on there and she posts super valuable clips. Today she just posted a live coaching clip with her and one of her clients.
Speaker 2:She is the real deal. I'm gonna read you guys her bio so you know what she's all about. She's a Vermont-based early childhood educator. She's a collaborative parenting coach and the founder of Core 4 Parenting, and she's the passionate mastermind behind the collaborative parenting methodology a birth to five soul and science-based framework that empowers parents to maximize their child's early learning while raising fantastic human beings who succeed in school and life. And she has done that. Her kids, I believe they're 19 and 20, somewhere around there and she's been doing this work for a really long time with her own kids and now she's branched out to help other parents as well. So she has so much value. She's so wise.
Speaker 2:She has a very, very calming presence, which I just really, really enjoy, because I think so often me personally when I'm talking about parenting or trying to figure something out, I can feel a little frantic or I can feel a little chaotic, and the day to day, as you guys know, can have that kind of chaos feel to it, and I'm all about finding the calm and the chaos, and Kara is the calm in the chaos. So, yeah, and while she was teaching preschool and kindergarten, she noticed her students knew their ABCs in one, two, threes but struggled with their social, emotional and interpersonal skills. So that is something we dive into a lot of. I asked her, in her opinion, what she thinks all elementary school kids should be learning, because that's like one of my really big interests right now and she has an amazing answer for that. So I'm really excited for you guys to hear that.
Speaker 2:And what else? So the book that I have open right now, quickly, is the Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents. It's one that I refer back to quite a bit and I highly recommend it. The tagline is guiding your children to success and fulfillment, and it's by Deepak Chopra. It's a really good one. I like the laws. He really breaks these down where children can understand them. So when you read them, you can share them a little bit with your kids in your own words and in your own way. So I really really like it. The first one is anything is possible, which is also known as the law of pure potentiality, and it's just so cool because our kids are creators, just naturally, and when they create something, we can acknowledge them for being creators and using their imagination to make something that never existed before, whether it's a piece of art or an invention, or, as they get older or something, some really big ideas. So, yeah, I really love it. And that's just the first one. There's six more really goodies in there. So, yeah, check it out.
Speaker 2:And the Raising Wild Hearts membership is now open. I would love to see your beautiful faces in there. I'm really, really excited. I'm gonna be leading and facilitating a Women's Circle Monthly and also a Lunch and Learn, and then also I have in the works but we're not quite there yet some bonus podcast episodes that will be for members only, and so I'm really, really pumped about that. I've got some ideas on who to bring back for repeat episodes. Also, I would love to hear from you guys if you have questions for any of the guests who've been on the show, because I'm always open to having guests back for followups. So if you want to submit your questions, you can email me at hello at raisingwildheartspodcastcom. So submit those questions, let me know which guest it's for and I will reach out and get these followups in action.
Speaker 2:And, as of right now, I've got so many amazing conversations in the pike coming down the hill for you guys to listen to. We're just like really getting ramped up for season two and we're in it. So, yeah, my calendar's full. I'm talking to people almost every day and there's so many more great conversations on the way. So, as always, thank you for being here, thank you for sharing this sacred time with me. It's just such a passion of mine.
Speaker 2:I'm also really learning from the past season. I'm really really intentional about bringing you guys super valuable, super aware, super conscious conversations, in that it can help you and me get through some of the struggles we're having in our lives. So I noticed that, even when I'm having conversations with these amazing guests, that I'm getting so much out of it too. So thank you for being here alongside me on my journey too, cause this is as much about you as it is about me. So yeah, thank you from the bottom of my heart, super grateful. So yeah, let's jump into today's interview. I hope you guys enjoy it. Email me, hello at raisingwildheartspodcastcom to submit your questions for any of the past or future guests, and I'll talk to you guys soon.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the raising wild hearts podcast car. Thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 1:I am so honored to share this space with you, ryan, and this conversation, I think, is just going to be magical.
Speaker 2:I think so too. One of the beautiful things about social media I've set up before, and I'll say it again is that I get to find people like you. We cross paths on LinkedIn. I'm looking to connect with people who are kind of in my zone and you are one of the first people I found and I love following you and I love your content and your podcast and everything. So thank you.
Speaker 1:Amazing. I feel the same way. It's kind of a double-edged sword, the social media space. But if you're honed into your passion, your purpose and who it is that you want to talk to, boy, does it work really well. It's so true.
Speaker 2:It's so true. So we were talking before we recorded about your now big kids flying the nest and just going out there and being their big, beautiful, bright selves, and you said in so many words like this is why I do what I do to help our humans individuate and go out into the world and be confident and empowered and be who they're meant to be. So I wanna start by speaking on that, just because I have little kids, as you know, and I think so much of the work when they turn even one and two is just helping them be their own sovereign beings. So let's start there how do we help our kids be their sovereign beings? And why is that so important? Because some people might be going well, I don't want my kids to be sovereign, I just want them to listen to me and do what they're told and for there to be minimal conflict. So let's like unpack all of that a little bit.
Speaker 1:What a great place to start, literally at the beginning. So from the moment that your child enters this world, they are their own unique little person and we know that right. We say that every child is different. We say that kind of ad nauseam. But what does that truly mean? It truly means that they are born with their own unique natural character traits and skills that are really easy for them. That's the core of who they are. They're also born with character traits and skillsets that are not so easy for them and that is also part of who they are.
Speaker 1:It's our job as parents to understand from a soul perspective. They are not carbon copies of us. They might have your husband's nose or they might have your ears, and that's lovely, because physical attributes do come through that genetic code, but soul attributes are uniquely theirs and it's your job as they grow into themselves over the first. Well, I love to say the nine month mark is where that personality pop happens. And when you look back, if you have a six and an eight year old as well, right? So if you look back and you're like, oh my gosh, yes, my six year old at nine to 12 months, I knew all these things about him if I was being conscious, attentive and observant.
Speaker 1:Kids can only feel safe enough, aligned enough, engaged enough in the relationship with their parent to quote, listen or behave and yes, I'm using air quotes for you out there If they understand what's easy for them and what's hard for them, and that their parent also gets it and is helping them navigate it instead of trying to put them into the box. That worked for another sibling. It just doesn't. The day I realized that I needed two sets of uniquely stacked, conscious parenting strategies to raise two different kids that I created was a wake up call. I'll be honest. I was all irritated. I was like what I did? This hard work, this is, then, hard to work.
Speaker 2:Yeah right, Very inconvenient. Yeah, I did this already.
Speaker 1:I have to do it again, yeah. And then I realized how important it is that every child gets to follow that path, and the path is going to be anchored in different ways, and it's what led me to create my collaborative parenting methodology, so that you get all the strategies but then you pick and you choose the ones that work for that kid in that situation, in that moment, in your home.
Speaker 2:So my older two are girls and they happen to be 22 months apart and so for a long time and even still, it's like, oh, the girls, the girls, the girls, and they get kind of lumped or grouped together because it's convenient, because they're so close in age and because, like, developmentally, they're on, you know, with a few things. But when you really break it down, granule, like to the granular perspective, they are so wildly different developmentally and personality, temperament, strengths, challenges, everything. For example, let's go real life here this night we're at dinner and you know, everyone pictures what family dinner is going to look like, and family dinner is much messier than it actually we picture in our minds and a little more chaotic. And so our older child does not, will not, cannot sit down at dinner. She kind of stands on next to the bench with her leg up. This is her position, this is how she eats. She's nimble, she's moving. Some parents want their kids butts glued to the chair and I get that. And this is not a battle that we're willing to fight, because we realize that she can't, won't, doesn't, want to sit down and it's just like not in her nature. Our six year old is sitting just like with her legs crossed, just, and has been doing so for years and just is able to sit there and have a meal. And it's interesting because we so badly want to compare and we want to go well, you're older and you're younger, so why are you? You know you're older, you should know better.
Speaker 2:Some of these like things that we say that we, these automatic things oh, you're, you're almost nine, you should know better. But really, when we break it down to, each child has their own soul attributes I love that term that you used and the strengths and the weaknesses, challenges, all of that Like. When we look at it through that lens, it lightens the load a little bit, not like, oh, my kid won't sit down for dinner. It can feel like that sometimes, like it's a reflection of us. What am I doing wrong? Should I be doing this? Should I be doing that? And enter like the parent worry, the parent guilt. You know all this shame, like all of this sticky stuff that we carry with us of, like the reflection of us. So let's touch a little bit about that. I love talking about mom guilt. I love talking about unpacking it. What's the antidote to all of that? The shame, the feeling like it's a reflection of us. That's the solution.
Speaker 1:Two things. One, what's the ultimate goal In that moment that you were just talking about? Is the goal that she sits, or is the goal that she consumes the healthy, nutritious food that you put in front of her body so that she can grow and be her best self? So knowing the goal helps you kind of reverse engineer the calm and say, okay, it almost doesn't matter to me how this gets consumed.
Speaker 1:And maybe a secondary goal is, as a family, that we engage with each other during mealtime. Are both of those being met, then great, whatever, your body position is fantastic. The other thing and I work with parents to design personalized parenting mission statements as they go through my course and every single family is different, as it should be Inside, that personalized parenting mission statement is where you are literally putting out in paragraph form your heart, your core family values, the long-term goal of the characteristics that you want to help your child develop, to help them succeed in the real world, the confidence, the independence, the self-advocacy, the understanding who they really are. And so, as long as you use this as your North Star, it helps you allay the guilt. And so here's a perfect example of for my real life, right, my oldest, when she was young, was an incredibly socially anxious child, and I mean, this is pre-COVID, the child's 20 now, right, this is pre-everything very socially anxious, and I knew that about her.
Speaker 1:And so I would say to her before we went to events where there were going to be groups of people there are going to be a lot of people there. I know that for you, being around big groups of people takes a lot of energy, it's exhausting and it overwhelms you. When you hit your wall, you need to just come tell me and together we will find a secluded, safe space where we can hang out together or you can do by yourself with your headphones on if you want to recharge. If she hits her wall in the middle of a conversation with another human being, she hit it. I have no mom guilt about the fact that she walked away from it, even if this other person is very. It is like what just happened. That was very rude. It doesn't matter to me. I know the goal. The goal is to help my child, who does not do well in social settings but had to be there, get through that experience without crumbling for the rest of the day.
Speaker 2:Wow, I have tears in my eyes because I just imagine if we were all mothered like that and if we all could be mothered like that, just honoring some very basic, very simple needs. I can relate to that also deeply. On a personal level. I can feel that I consider myself, I guess, highly sensitive, and so big groups of people can be very draining for me.
Speaker 2:One of my children is also like that, and so just to honor that, even in myself, even just, I think one of the guideposts I always go back to is be the mother you needed as a girl, and I have two girls, so I always am thinking through the lens of girlhood and womanhood and so just being that calm presence of like I see you have a need, teaching them to meet their own needs. I didn't even know I had needs till I was in my 30s, like, oh, I have needs. And it wasn't until I was meeting everybody else's needs that I realized, oh, I have needs too, and that's when it was like light bulb moment. So I think if we can help our children, all of our children, notice that you know how they're feeling, what's going on in their minds, because it's hard for them to put the language to it and the feelings and the oh. I'm in a big group and I feel overwhelmed. They don't necessarily. That doesn't click for them. Their prefrontal cortex can't get there yet, right?
Speaker 1:It can't, and Something that I love sharing with people, because it's not something we think about a lot as adults, because we're thinkers, right, we're in our head, we're cognitive analyzers. Okay, how can I fix this so it doesn't happen again? Why doesn't my child think this way? Because they don't. Not only do they not think that way, they are feelers.
Speaker 1:If you have young kids between the age of birth and six, they are in their soul and their physiological feeling system far more than they're in their head and their cognitive planning system where the opposite.
Speaker 1:And so it's almost like you're bringing together magnets, except and we think we're doing the right thing showing up with you didn't do this right. Let me help you with the solution right. And they think they're doing the right thing emoting, showing us everything they're feeling through their meltdown or their words or their struggle or the throwing of the book across the room, and we bounce off each other and it just perpets what I call the trigger trap cycle, where the child gets triggered, reacts, the parent reacts to the child's trigger and it just goes around and around and around. If you want a child who is cognizant enough, who is conscious enough to be able to stop after being triggered and use words to explain how they're feeling better, yet a strategy to help soothe their own current state of being. You must directly teach it, and that comes from a place of love, empathy, compassion and understanding of what's going on inside the developing mind. And that's just how it is.
Speaker 2:And being able to do it for ourselves too. Right, because they're just going to pick up so much of what we're putting down, so to speak. I mean, a lot of what we do as parents is just automatically based on how we were raised and we don't even think about it sometimes. So I love when we can use the word conscious, because what conscious means let's like break that down is just like being aware, would you say just awareness.
Speaker 1:Yes. So that's the general definition of being conscious, right, when we are conscious, we're awake. When we're unconscious, we're asleep. So when we're conscious and awake, the next level of that consciousness is being aware of our awakeness, and that's where people tend not to go. So there's a beautiful movement that conscious parenting movement that's been sweeping the nation and beyond for a number of years, and I was thrilled to see it becoming a more mainstream way of talking about being inside our parenting journey.
Speaker 1:It's a very personal, you know, personal development it's a parenting personal development journey. But here's the thing about consciousness it's an individual experience, it's a solo act. So if I am grounded into my conscious self, as I'm aware of what's happening to me in my parenting trigger moment, that's fantastic. But that doesn't include my child. It's just me saying I've been triggered, I need to use one of my strategies. I'm going to remember that meltdowns are part of the developmental learning process.
Speaker 1:Okay, now I've turned on my cognition enough that I know the next thing that I do or say is my choice. I'm still free to react and say something not so great. I'm still free to yell and use a tone that I'm going to regret later, but at this point. It's no longer a subconscious reaction. I am in charge of that choice. Great, I can be all of those things, but if I'm not asking or teaching my child to be part of their own conscious childhood experience too, then it's just like I'm the one horse driving the one cart and saying come along with me, I'll stay as calm as I possibly can while you don't understand what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, how to get yourself out of it, how next time, to find a strategy that you don't feel it as big and can share it with me, and that is the collaborative parenting methodology. I like to talk about it as taking conscious parenting to the next level, and you're a team now in managing the heart and the head and the outcomes.
Speaker 2:Wow. So I've never heard it quite put like that. I've been following Dr Shafali, who wrote the Conscious Parent and then more recently wrote I want to say it's the Conscious Family, now I can't think of it, but she wrote the Awakened Family, the Conscious Parent, and then she's a new one out too. And that's a really, really great point is that it is kind of a full circle. It's not just the one piece, it's not just us, it's almost like a narcissistic way of doing it. If we just stay calm and look at why we are getting triggered, it's like really, from a cognitive perspective, understanding and kind of figuring out why our child is having a hard time or a great time or whatever it may be in the moment.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about speaking of hard times, let's talk about meltdowns, because our go to a lot of us is like make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. You know like red flag, just like everything to do. Okay, have the popsicle. Okay, go to your room, okay, just make it stop. So let's talk about like in the heat of the moment, a kid is having a meltdown. Maybe you could break down, because I know that you deal a lot with ages zero to five, but maybe you could break down, if you're open to it, like meltdowns for older kids too, because even my older kids still have meltdowns too. Even we as adults have meltdowns. So let's talk about meltdowns.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's do it, yeah. So the first thing to realize about a meltdown is that you are coming in halfway through the movie. You didn't get to see the beginning, you just came in and you're in the middle of somebody else's experience. Whatever triggered them, you weren't privy to, whatever their initial emotional reaction to it was, you weren't privy to. It's just the explosive part that you're now going Wow, this now impedes my space.
Speaker 1:And the reason that meltdowns are so hard for us? Well, there's a number of reasons. One is that triggers are sensory, and everything about a child who's in meltdown is a sensory trigger. The sound of it triggers us, the site of it triggers us, the space, the environment they're in, especially if we're in public, triggers us right. So you mom guilt, okay, and so that's why we want to make it stop, because it's like someone's poking us with hot needles. And who wouldn't want to make that stop?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you stop and think about it and you realize you came in halfway, it's. You can't just say stop, it's in motion, it's in progress, and by it I mean their emotional experience and emotions and feelings have to move Through the body, they have to be expelled in some way, because right now they're in such an intensely dysregulated state that anything that you try to input from sensory perspective, whether it's words or physical touch, is not going to bring them back right now. They're so far into it. Right, it's like that volcano that has just started erupting. It's got to finish, it has to finish. It's your job to keep them safe, but it's your job to allow it, to allow it to come out. That's actually and people laugh at me when I say this that's actually the easiest part.
Speaker 2:Okay, See it is funny.
Speaker 1:The real work comes after they have brought themselves back to center and you've given them the space and the safe ability to do so. When everybody is put back together is when that proactive, collaborative conversation happens. Wow, you felt so big about all of that happening to you. Your body was out of control. Your voice was saying things in a really high, angry tone. Let's see if we can pull this back for you now. When Can you give me an example of a typical trigger that's happening? Yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 2:Let me think of a good one. I mean there are multiple. Let me think of a pretty common one, though. Okay, so over the summer we traveled 5,000 plus miles and so, yeah, we were in the car a lot and we bounced around a lot. The longest we stayed in one location was nine days, and this was over like six plus weeks. So we were in the car a ton. So now, upon getting home, we're settled.
Speaker 2:We're back into a little bit of a groove in the fall, coming up to the fall, and my kids, my older two, don't want to get in the car. Very frequently they're just like please don't make us get in the car. And so sometimes, when it's like, okay, guys, we're getting to go, we are home educating this year, and so Friday's, like my day, with my two older big kids, sometimes it's an errand day, some day it's a fun day, some day we'll go to the zoo. But on an errand day, let's say it's like all right, guys, it's time to go, we've got, you know, this stop and that stop, and this is the timeline, and it's just like instant, we're in the car.
Speaker 1:So the way that collaborative parenting works is you are either. Oh, I'm sorry you froze for a second.
Speaker 2:You are either. I know you froze to your good.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's right. You're either tackling this proactively or after it's over. In this case, you know the trigger Right Thursday night. You know that Friday could be tricky, so it's a Thursday night discussion, it's a forecasted conversation. Hey guys, I just want to talk about tomorrow, tomorrow's Friday.
Speaker 1:You know, friday means that as a family, we have to go run these errands. It's important that we do it because it keeps food in our refrigerator. It keeps us, you know, with all the things that we need in order to get through the rest of the week. And I know you're not a big fan of it. Right now You're done being in the car, but I can't leave you home by yourself. It's my job to make sure that you're safe, and so I need you with me. So here are the stops we're making.
Speaker 1:I love doing this the night before, because during sleep is when the brain sorts through everything it has lived through during your awakened conscious hours that day.
Speaker 1:It presets you for accepting things to be just what they are the next day and also it gives you time and space to do some processing, because with older kids, they have a lot of inner self-talk. It's like a tennis match going on inside their brain, especially kids who are like hitting those tween spaces, and they're going to go back and forth inside their brain all night long. I really don't want to. I hate being in the car right now, but mom said we really don't have a choice. So I wonder if, well and they're going to go back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth you can incentivize the pot a little bit by saying what's one stop that will be the most fun for you? Would you like us to do it first, or would you like us to do it last? Make it a democratic experience. You've got multiple kids right. They have to agree on the location, but one of the stops there's maybe it's a smoothie.
Speaker 2:Probably is. That's a good example.
Speaker 1:And then they get to decide if they want to do the hard things first and have the smoothie as the reward at the end, or if they want to get that smoothie right away, put some nutrition and yumminess in their body and then suck it up for the rest of the time. But you're empowering them to be part of the plan and the decision making and the process, and now they have some ownership over it. Yeah, so if the whining starts some point in those stops, you're allowed to say I didn't just tell you how this was going to be. We made this plan together, you decided the order of events and we are going to finish it together. I'm not particularly thrilled to be here either. I would much rather be home with you doing something fun. But this is just part of living and being a family unit. We'll get through it.
Speaker 2:Brilliant. I love that tip about kids processing things, everybody processing things at night while they sleep. That's a really great point. So the preparation helps us expectations, especially with a kid, might I add, who's maybe has a little feelings of, can feel anxious, or who's highly sensitive, or really needs a plan and needs things to go a certain way. Because I have one of those kids too. So, yeah, I think that's really really important. That's brilliant.
Speaker 1:Okay, so now let's talk about Can I give you one more thing for the backseat? Yes, so if you've got kids who are like that and they need to see things getting done, let them make the plan as the checklist and check it off in the backseat, as you're done, going to each place, uh-huh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes, I love that. So what's coming up for me now is and this frequently comes up for me because it's an issue that I think a lot of people in our generation are facing and that's our parents or the older generation going, well, just let them go cry in their room, like, just send them off, like we did to you, or whatever it might be. Whatever the example is, you know, and I'm just curious if you have any tips or tricks on how to navigate that with grandparents, older caregivers, even a babysitter, you know, something like that, like how you pass along the information of you know. This is what we've researched and this is how we do things, and there you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I get this question a lot. I'm actually thinking I should do an entire episode on it on my channel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I get this question a lot. So first is you know how we are designing our relationship with our little kids is a very different way than the relationship was designed between our parents and ourselves. So just knowing that and being socially aware, it's a real social psychology experiment in our heads, right, being socially aware that when you approach your parents or in-laws, as the case may be you are engaging in a different way than that open, honest, respectful, trust-based, communication-centered relationship that conscious, collaborative parents build with their littles. So you do have to give a little right, you do have to be empathetic, to the idea that this whole old dogs learn new tricks thing is true. You're not going to try to bring them full circle. You're not going to bring them to your parenting courses.
Speaker 1:What they did is done, but you can say I'm so grateful for everything that you did for me when I was little and when you had an opportunity to be a parent, the world was a very different place.
Speaker 1:Things have changed. We've lived through so many defining moments in history for our children at this point and they love data, they're data generation. Okay, technology is very different now, mom, I am terrified of how technology is going to affect my child because of the way the digital age came in like a lion. The safety of our kids in the world is a completely different space now and we just parented through a pandemic, and so our kids are coming out of a real trauma-based space. I have to do things differently in order to raise my kids to be ready for the world we live in now, and I would really really love if you join me on this journey. But if it's just too hard for you because it doesn't make a lot of sense, I get it. But when they're with you, I'll give you some general parameters and I would be really grateful if you would follow them.
Speaker 2:Perfect, great. I love how you started with gratitude. Thank you so much for everything you did for me, because I think they can take it as a personal insult that we're not taking every single thing they've done, you know, forward, and I think you're really hitting the nail on the head with we're living in a different era. Connection is so much more important now. It's so crucial that our kids are looking to us and not their peers for guidance. It's so important to keep them kind of close to the nest metaphorically speaking, of course, like eventually they're going to literally fly from the nest, and that is the point. You know, that is the whole point. Wow, oh my gosh. This conversation is just brilliant. So, as we start to wrap up a bit, I heard you say on Instagram when you win the toddler years, you've already won the teenage years. I would love to break that down because, as a mom of little kids, I'm thinking that this is like my training time in the gym for, like, the teenage years. You know, this is like the practice round.
Speaker 1:Yes, Well, all right, we'll take your gym analogy and we'll run with it because it's great. You need a foundation, right. You need a strong early foundation that you do consistently before you can expect to tackle the bigger things with any type of success. And so when people are shocked and dismayed and they hit the teenage years and they come to me and they say what happened? My child is not the same person anymore, I say the same thing that I said earlier about this movie. You came in in the middle of the movie, right? We have to be so consciously aware from the very beginning.
Speaker 1:So when, I say, when you win the toddler years, you've already won the teenage years. What I'm talking about is the relationship and these core four connectors, which are how we relate to anybody in different measure. You do not have a deeply grounded core four connection relationship with the person who cleans your teeth, nor should you. It's a different type of relationship. This means I respect you and you respect me. I allow myself to respect a two-year-old. Talk about a different way of thinking, generationally right. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I say that to kids, which means I am telling you the truth. I am going to be honest with you, even when you're not going to like what I have to say. I'm going to believe your words. I'm going to trust that you are being honest with me until you show me that you're not. Then we'll have a different conversation.
Speaker 1:All of this is wrapped up in a two-way, free-way, wide-open communication channel. They have a voice and they're allowed to use it. I believe kids are not just there to be seen, but also to be seen and heard, truly listened to. People say what's the number one thing I want my kids to do? I want them to listen to me. Toddler years. That's what they tell me. I said, well, you better listen to them, truly listen, even if it is about the color of their dolls' dress. Like we are listening and we have a response Wow, that you're right. That is the prettiest blue I've ever seen. That's how you build the relationship. Then, inside the toddler years, you're going to navigate struggles, whether it's a blue versus a pink sippy cup or who's doing the buckle on the seat when you get in. Okay, you do the top, I'll do the bottom.
Speaker 1:These negotiations do not have to be power struggles, as long as you have the ability to use those core connecting relationship pieces. Why does it mean we've already won the teenage years? Because toddlers and teenagers are the same person. They are different ages, but they're going through the same developmental leap process. Their body is changing internally and ways that they do not understand. They are literally growing leaps and bounds. Their cognition is on fire, their hormones are changing and their preferences are changing as they learn to engage with the different social constructs that are in the world and outside of your home.
Speaker 1:So now you're going to have conversations about different things. Those different things have a higher natural consequence value. That's why it gets scary. The number one thing that people say to me. When I say what do you want your teenager to do, they say it's tell me anything. So we went from I want my toddlers to listen to me, which really means do what I say yeah To. I want my teenager to talk to me. Tell me anything. Wow, you can't get there unless you start here.
Speaker 1:At that point you have the ability to have somewhat rational negotiations about picking them up at the school dance instead of letting them ride home with a friend who you don't know. The natural consequences to that choice can be absolutely horrifying. We want to make sure that we are ready to support them and that they know that they are in a safe place, so that they're not making prefrontal cortex decisions with their mushy brain that is not yet fully developed right there, simply because they don't have the ability to know how safe they are to talk to you and tell you the truth. You won't lose your cool. You will be inside of it with them. You will problem solve it together. If the dance is over and I'm not there yet, make sure you text me. If you're done with the dance and you're ready to leave early, we're ready to pick you up making sure they have that channel to you, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Man, I always think it's like a cosmic joke that the prefrontal cortex doesn't develop until their kids are in their early 20s Yet they go off to college without their brain developed. I'm like it's a little off timeline in my opinion. Maybe college should start at 25. And I'm not even being like a helicopter parent and saying that. I'm like realistically, like when you can make really good decisions, like that's when you can go have your own apartment and drive your own car and whatever. It's wild. To me it is insane.
Speaker 1:Yet it is like I said. It's the way that the world has designed things and so it's our job to make sure they're ready. That's why I prioritize If people are going to do any type of focused learning and implementation to upgrade their parenting journey in the toddler and preschool years the five executive functioning skills that those kids need to be practicing on a daily basis with you, and this is not sit down and flashcards. This is inside the I don't want to get in the car conversation. Right Is the ability to wait. Having delayed gratification in our life is essential. Things are not, as the world would tell us, an instant delivery system. We have to be okay waiting. They have to be flexible thinkers and kids tend to when they feel out of control. Just take control. And their brain right. Our brain is brilliant and it says I'll protect you, I'll protect you, I'll draw a picture in your head of what it's going to look like, who's going to be there, what it's going to sound like and the experience you're going to have, and then it's not like that and they lose it. That's where a meltdown could trigger from right. So the ability to stop and say oh, our favorite diner is actually closed. Today, bummer, let's see if we can come up with some ideas to solve this and do it together.
Speaker 1:Emotional awareness and regulation being clear about what they are feeling, not just that they're having a feeling, is how they start the conscious self-awareness process of soothing. Self-soothing is just not for sleep. Self-soothing is something that we do in the world all the time. Time management is key. You are beautifully embedding that and teaching that into your family's life by saying Friday is the day we do these things. That's a time management strategy. They know you're not going to bring them to Costco on Tuesday. They are putting together the week.
Speaker 1:And then for me, the fifth executive functioning skill that really, really matters is so different than most, and it's why being on your podcast mattered to me. It is a healthy sense of self. A child who knows who they are because you have been mirroring it and modeling it and putting language to it and supporting them inside of it and praising them for those moments and saying, oh, I get why this is hard for you because it's not your thing is able to do that for themselves. When they go to school. They're able to raise their hand and say to the teacher I don't hear or listen. I don't process things really well when there's a lot of talking around me, so if you really want me to be paying attention, I might need to be sitting closer to you.
Speaker 1:That comes from a deep knowing, a sense of self. So this is what I teach, this is what I preach, this is what I practice. I am taking my Velcro child of. She was the youngest, my youngest, and she was attached to me for so many years, and so I just slowly, slowly, created opportunities for her to practice independence and advocacy. She is now the 18-year-old who's getting on a plane and moving to Japan. This works as long as you are willing to be in a team-based relationship with your children and they learn and grow and thrive and blow your mind and leave you on the other side of the globe, hoping and praying it all goes well.
Speaker 2:Oh, there you have it Send your kids off to Japan in just 18 short years, right? Oh, that's brilliant. These five skills are so important. I'm writing them down because I just want for me to have a really concrete guidepost to come back to from this conversation. This was so filled with wisdom. I so appreciate you and the work you're doing in the world and the model that you're showing for the other parents who are kind of knee-deep in it, who can see you and say like, hey, you did it and you're teaching it and it's so amazing. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you. All I've ever wanted to do was be a mom, and the fact that I feel like I did that and did my job and did it well a mission accomplished.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what do your kids think about the work that you do? Do they have a strong opinion?
Speaker 1:I am so glad you asked me that question because I launched this company in 2020 and I was unsure. It's terrifying to go out there and say I am your parent, educator and parent coach while your kids are watching. I just received the most beautiful gift in the mail from my 20-year-old and it's a little angel and it's making the sign for love. It's one of those willow tree ornaments and a letter that she wrote In it. She said you are the best mom anyone could ever ask for. I am so grateful you let me be who I needed to be when I needed to be that person.
Speaker 1:She nailed all my top aptro boots and told me everything. Then she said this I am so glad you are out there teaching other moms how to do what you did, because the world needs this Of everything. In that letter that sentence just I just bawled To hear my child say this is important work. It was the permission slip, the right. I needed to say okay, I'm done being sensitive about what are you thinking, because she feels how strongly this is needed in the world.
Speaker 2:Wow, what a wise 20-year-old to say that. Amazing. I am going to do something a little bit different. Typically, I ask the same three questions at the end of the interview and I'm switching the questions up a teeny bit. The first question I'm going to ask you is what do you think kids should be learning now, whether it's in school or home education? What's one fundamental thing that kids need to be learning right now?
Speaker 1:Okay, I'll pick one. It's hard right I?
Speaker 2:know it's hard to pick just one. You just nailed five beautiful executive functioning skills.
Speaker 1:That's true If you put it in a nutshell, the other side of my collaborative parenting methodology isn't just the relationship we focus so exclusively on it, it's the four skills. They need to be successful in school and life, wherever school is. I think of those four, the interpersonal skills are the most important I really do. Social emotional is a cool second, but we're going to build on that over here. Understanding how to read social cues outside of the home. Understanding how to have a conversation that goes back and forth with other people. Knowing when it's your turn to talk, knowing when it's not, someone else is holding court. Finding the empathy to understand that other people have different perspectives that are not the same in yours, as that's okay. Those are skills that are highly lacking in the generation of kids that we are launching into the world right now. If I had to pick one thing that people wanted to work exclusively on, that would be it.
Speaker 2:Interpersonal skills. Would you say that conflict resolution is in that interpersonal skill group? Is that part of it being able to resolve? I have a different opinion than you, Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I mean obviously. They don't work in isolation. You need to be using your executive functioning cognition while you are looking at your social setting. Then you could for example, we had a friend over the other day who is a little older and doesn't hear as well the ability to read the room know that you had to raise your voice volume-wise, but you weren't adding a new tone or anything like that, Then giving her more time to process what you said before she was going to talk back instead of talking over her. These are interpersonal skills, but we're using our brain to navigate them, and that's conflict resolution, Right, it's?
Speaker 2:something that we as adults take for granted or think it's so simple, but really, as a 18-year-old kid or a 16-year-old kid, that's not necessarily obvious to them. That's a really great point, it's not? Yeah, wow.
Speaker 1:Quite honestly, it wasn't obvious to my husband. We talked about it later.
Speaker 2:See, there you go. If he only had you as a mom. They try to be the wife and not the mom. I know same, I know same. We've got a thing with that in the wife circle. Nowadays, we really need to be the equal, the partner on the same team. We're working on that in this house too. For sure, I love that. The next question I have for you is what, if anything, are you reading right now?
Speaker 1:Oh, that's a great one. I just finished a book called Sleepwalker. I mean, if I'm being told that's what I just finished, okay, cool, total summer fluff enjoyment read because I read to get out of my own story and into somebody else's. But I'll say this about reading, which I'm a voracious lover of I try to keep a self-help or business or personal development book going in the mornings to get me ready to do my best work for the day, and then my fluff book for the night.
Speaker 2:Cool, I like that tip. I've got stacks and stacks of nonfiction. It's rare that I do read a fiction, but I'm dipping my toes in here and there. Part of the reason is sometimes I just don't even. I'm like this wasn't. I want a good story, I want a captivating read, so I need to find more of those. So, sleepwalker, would you recommend yes or no? Yeah, it was good, pretty good, okay.
Speaker 1:Quick and easy, fun summer read Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Awesome. And then the last question is what's bringing you joy today?
Speaker 1:Oh well, actually, this is bringing me immense joy. Today, as we sit inside this space, there's a lot happening. I am launching into my fall cohort for my Transforming the toddler year's course, and so I try to give all of myself to the moms and dads who put their trust in me to help them transform their journey. I am launching my human into the world. At the time of this recording, there's two days until she gets on a plane, and I also just lived through the 23rd anniversary of our first daughter's death. So there's a lot happening inside of me and it can be a real overwhelming moment. So when I saw this on my schedule today, I just knew how much joy it was going to bring me to speak to someone about all of this in combination and another mom who's doing really, really big work.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, Kara. How can we find you, follow you, connect with you, work with you, hire you to help us in our parenting journey?
Speaker 1:All right. So there's a number of ways you can find me. Use the link in the show notes that says bio in it and you will see all of those in front of you. I would highly recommend, if you do have littles between one and four, that you download my free guide Five Mindful Montres for Managing Milddowns. That will give you a great starting space to make that shift we talked about. If you're interested in the five essential skills and cultivating those, I have a mini course called the Pandemic Moms School Readiness Guide. You can take my mini course and it walks you through each one individually with more concrete examples of how to use it in your daily life. And then, of course, I do open quarterly my Transforming the Toddler Years course, which is a live, interactive cohort, and inside that container I take you through all the soil modules and all the science-based strategies and then we put together the package that works for your family.
Speaker 2:Sounds amazing. And then you're on Instagram, LinkedIn. You've got your website, Cara Tarel right. Yes, Awesome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's all the things. But yeah, I mean, if there's one point of entry that I would say to make sure to take advantage of, start to get to know me even better by listening to the podcasts. The Transforming the Toddler Years podcast says toddler in the name, but people tell me they get incredible value out of it, regardless of how old their kids are, and walk away feeling more confident that day.
Speaker 2:Perfect, we will put all of that in the show notes so you guys can go down there and just click, and it's going to be super convenient. Thank you so much again, cara.
Speaker 1:Oh, this has been a true joy. The guy started by saying I had a feeling it would be a magical conversation and we did not let each other down.
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