Ever felt like your home is a little too wild with spirited kids at the helm? (asking for a friend) Today DJ Stutz is here to talk about discipline, education, sibling rivalry and more! DJ is host of the Imperfect Heroes Podcast , an Early Childhood Specialist and a devoted advocate for children's rights and education — she brings over two decades of teaching experience, specializing in Special Education and Music.
If you feel inspired please consider sharing this episode with a friend, writing a 5⭐️ review or becoming a Raising Wild Hearts Member here!
Ever felt like your home is a little too wild with spirited kids at the helm? (asking for a friend) Today DJ Stutz is here to talk about discipline, education, sibling rivalry and more! DJ is host of the Imperfect Heroes Podcast , an Early Childhood Specialist and a devoted advocate for children's rights and education — she brings over two decades of teaching experience, specializing in Special Education and Music.
If you feel inspired please consider sharing this episode with a friend, writing a 5⭐️ review or becoming a Raising Wild Hearts Member here!
This is a family boundary and we're not going to go beyond it. And whether it's behavior at the grocery store or a restaurant or a grandma's house, how do we talk to adults? How do we talk to our peers? How do we manage conflict?
Speaker 2:Welcome, revolutionary mama, to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast. I'm Ryan Watkin, educator, mom of three Reveal it Heart and Passionate Soul, on a Mission to empower and inspire you.
Speaker 2:Here we'll explore psychology, spirituality, parenthood and the intersection where they all come together. We'll discover how challenges can be fertile soil for growth and that even in the messy middle of motherhood we can find magic in the mundane. Join me on my own personal journey as I talk to experts and share resources on education, creativity, self-care, family, culture and more. I believe we can change the world by starting at home, in our own minds and hearts, and that when we do, we'll be passing down the most important legacy there is Healing, and so it is. Hello friends, welcome back to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast. I'm really excited to share my conversation with you today. I am talking to DJ Stutz.
Speaker 2:Dj is an early childhood specialist, a retired teacher, a parent coach, author and public speaker who believes in finding joy and amazement in the parenting journey. Amen to that. Having raised five children of her own and now 12 loving grandchildren, she understands the ups and downs of managing busy schedules, children who ping pong between laughing and arguing, and managing neurodiversities we talk about so much in this conversation. Dj is a wealth of knowledge. I could have talked to her seriously all day. I had so many questions and she had so many great ways to just practically problem-solve some of the issues that we might be having raising families. We also talk about the myth of the wild child. We talk a lot about sibling rivalry. We talk about education and more.
Speaker 2:So let's dive into today's conversation. If this is helpful for you, please send this link to a friend. Also, jump down and leave a five-star review and some words about why you love being here. Thank you so much, and if you have not followed and subscribed to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast yet, hit the plus sign or the little check mark in the top of your screen. Let's dive in. Hi, dj, welcome to the Raising Wild Hearts podcast. Hi, how are you? I'm great, I'm so happy that you're here and I have just about like a billion and a half questions to ask you. I'm really, really excited because you have a wide variety of experience when it comes to this childrearing thing I do. And the place that I want to start because it's just the most obvious, because the word wild is in the name of the podcast is the wild child myth. Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think a wild child is one who, of course, has a lot of energy, but they have that energy because they're interested in their curious and they want to test things and see how it all works. And so I don't know. I have wild children, are had, they've grown up to be productive members of society now and so that's a good thing there's hope.
Speaker 2:There's still hope.
Speaker 1:There's hope. Yeah, I've got one in marketing. One is a hospital administrator, one who is an interior decorator that designs carpet.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Cool, I've got a police officer. Wow.
Speaker 2:How many kids do you have? Five, five and 12 grandchildren.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and 12. Yeah 70 nieces and nephews.
Speaker 2:Wow, oh my goodness, that's amazing.
Speaker 2:So what I'm hearing you say when we talk about wild child is that these children are energetic, they're curious, they're like testing their limits and their boundaries and I think as a culture we have a tendency to look at those things as negative. But really they're developmentally appropriate. I was at a I was purchasing something the other day and the salesperson who was helping me had a picture of his little son on the desk and I said, oh, your son, he's so cute. He goes. Oh yeah, you know, if you think climbing on tables is cute, and I said actually, believe it or not, it's developmentally appropriate. I said how old is he? And he goes two. And I said I have a two year old too. And, believe it or not, it's developmentally appropriate, he goes really. So I think it's not very well known that these are milestones that our kids should be hitting. They should be energetic, they should be pushing limits, right, right.
Speaker 1:Right, and in fact I'd worry about them a little bit if he's two years old and not. You know, now, because it's developmentally appropriate doesn't mean that is actually socially appropriate, right? Yeah, because they're learning, and so it's not something that we need to get mad at them over. It's not something that, you know, we have to be embarrassed about, but it is something that we can help them through, that we can help them learn how to take that Developmentally appropriate behavior or thought or speech or whatever, and then help them channel that into something. But we don't ever want to quash it.
Speaker 1:So I taught kindergarten for, you know, a long time and then I also directed preschools for our school district for a few years there and I just saw so many and I had to work with my teachers on, you know, chris, class apple sauce, and you know you have to do it this way and you have to stay on this behavior thing. And I remember we had one little guy in one of the preschool classes and he could not sit still during like story time and calendar and all of that stuff. It wasn't in his ability. And so I said, well, let's do something else. While you're doing story, let's have him sit at a table because he loved to draw. This kid was always wanting to draw, so let's have him sit at the table and draw a picture. Tell him he can draw a picture about our story. What was funny was once he did that he could answer any question about the story, but if he was having to sit still, that's all his mind could do was think about I got to sit still, I got to sit still, I got to sit still and he couldn't pay attention to anything that was going on in the story.
Speaker 1:Where is he had freedom to, you know, channel his energy, channel his interests into something that worked. With what you were trying to teach that child, he learned far better. And so it's just relaxing a little bit, you know, and letting our children know. Here's the place that we can be wild and crazy, right. And then here's a place where we need to tone it down a little bit and then be realistic about how long you're expecting them, right, to tone it down a little bit. And so, yeah, it's just helping them through things and embracing that energy and seeing not how we can quash it but how we can channel it better. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm so glad that you brought up like socially appropriate versus developmentally appropriate.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a thing.
Speaker 2:And there's like a nuance there, because when we're in the grocery store and like our two year olds like picking up tomatoes and like tossing them across the you know the cart or whatever it might be right, we, I think, as moms, feel like, oh, we're being judged.
Speaker 2:And then I think there is some element of being judged actually, and you know, I've had various experiences in my life.
Speaker 2:One time we were on a long road trip and we got this was when we only had two kids, I think, or my baby was still a baby, and my two big kids got out at the rest stop and they just like, oh, they had to like get their wiggles out and there happened to be like a, a pack white flock of birds there and they were just I didn't know what to call it a flock of birds and they were just sitting there like grazing or something, and they like ran up to the birds and they wanted to see what would happen.
Speaker 2:Of course, the birds like slapped everywhere and this man was really, really mad that our children are like. They were like probably five and seven, maybe four and six at the time. He was really mad. He was like I mean, and he made it known, lady, you're letting your kids chase after the birds, and it was like some very interesting interaction and, of course, my first thing was like I was like mad, I was like you don't know, you don't know me, you know we've been at a far for 12 hours, and they're just curious and they want to know what happens.
Speaker 2:And so my point here is I think, as society, like we don't allow enough grace for kids to just like be kids. And what's your take on that? Is it getting more appropriate for kids to be kids or less, or staying the same?
Speaker 1:Hmm, you know, I really think that we're at a bit of a crossroads where we're learning more. So like when, you know, pterodactyls were flying in the air when I was going to kindergarten and there were different expectations, but even still, I think back then was more appropriate for what we're doing now. So when I went to kindergarten in Oakland, California, I had it was a half day there was still a rest time in my half day we still had our graham crackers and milk and we listen to stories, we played in stories but we I don't remember them bugging me about writing my name or any of that, but it was more about learning to be a friend, learning to follow instructions you know two and three step instructions and who could do this and I loved my kindergarten. And now there's so much push to make kindergarten academic, which we know that reading is something that happens when certain synapses start firing off in the brain, allowing that information to transfer. It's a physiological thing that has to happen, right? Some kids and isn't everyone different? So some kids will develop that as early as four rarely three, but I've seen it and other kids. It's developmentally appropriate that, that that those synapses don't start firing until even seven or eight, and so this push to have them reading by the end of kindergarten is entirely developmentally inappropriate.
Speaker 1:For some kids They've got it, but if they don't have, you know, their reading skills at this level by the end of kindergarten, they're put on a reading plan and they're identified as as behind and that they have to be put in special groups so that in first grade they're getting pulled out to go to the special reading group. Let's identify these kids, as you know, lacking, and the other kids you think they're not aware. Oh, he's going to the dummy class, right, and, and what he's doing is what's developmentally appropriate for him. So getting after a child who isn't fully reading at the end of kindergarten is like getting mad at a 13 year old girl because she hasn't started period yet.
Speaker 1:Certain synapses within the body need to be firing Now. Can we kickstart those a little early? Yeah, but if you look further down on the education road, it balances out the kids who started reading early and the kids who are developed Now. If there is truly a developmental issue, you want to be able to address that and there are other ways to address it, but they balance out, usually by third grade you know, and so what are we doing?
Speaker 2:Yeah, when I learned that they took play kitchens out of kindergarten classes, I just like I fell out of my chair, because that was one of my memories from kindergarten, yeah, and like just really playing. You know, having different stations and having a little bit more freedom. It was almost like a Montessori type feel, and I did go to a Montessori preschool too. So when I learned that, I was like, oh my gosh. And as you know, luck and fate would have it my oldest daughter was going into kindergarten the fall of 2020. And so that was the impetus, or maybe the icing on the cake, that made me really strongly consider homeschooling, and so that's what we ended up doing, and I found out through doing it that actually homeschooling provides quite a bit of freedom. It's, it's, I can still do this. I have a huge support community in the form of parent cooperatives, and so actually it's a little more flexible than we originally thought, and then there's that room for them to be who they are.
Speaker 2:There's not as much of a push on the academic side, and so you're able to kind of blast them into their own little beings in their own time, which?
Speaker 1:I really liked. Yeah, I do too, so I'm kind of a bit of a unicorn in that I am. This is only my second year without a classroom, so it's it's new for me and I miss my children horribly. And I'm still in contact with so many of my families. Even I have kids who you know are in high school now that that still contact me when I had them as kindergartners. I've even got a dad that will call me and say my daughter needs a call from you, you know, and she's in junior high. Oh gosh, those years. But I really feel, though, that homeschool so I'm a public school teacher who truly supports homeschooling, and so I'm kind of weird.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's an anomaly, I think, yeah, I think so Pretty much, and I do think that there are parents, like everywhere else, that do better than others, and that there are states that have more available than others, and there are some states that are actually punitive toward parents who are trying to homeschool because they want their kids in there. So I will tell you, though, that my classroom had a kitchen in it.
Speaker 2:That's amazing.
Speaker 1:Just saying that's amazing.
Speaker 2:So there is still hope and it's. You know, it's funny, even though it was like, oh, play kitchen's got taken out of kindergarten. I think it was like a headline and I kind of looked into it because it's like we had a. We got to kind of go down the rabbit hole like how true is this? And since my kids didn't attend, I wasn't able to speak on our local public school up the road. Just you know from what other parents had told me. So I think that's a great point is that there are outliers, there are educators who are so passionate and talented and brilliant and committed to what they do, and so that's like you know there's. It's important to remember that too.
Speaker 1:Even as, yeah, and getting to know your teacher, and if you have a teacher that kind of puts up walls, no, you know, I don't want parents here, I don't want parents at the party, I don't want parents there. That's a bit of a flag and it might be a school like a school policy or district, but more often it would be either the teacher or the school that's putting the kibosh on that. And I always, like I told my principal in my office, because a lot of teachers wanted 24 hours before a parent came in, I'm like, come see if we're crazy. We're crazy, we are what we are, and so come join the lunacy If you want to come in. And I had parents in, you know, all the time and and for parties and we had a parent day and you know we'd have projects and things for the parents to do with the kids, to show them. These are the learning skills that we are doing in. This is how our opening circle time works and this is how, so that you're understanding, and I think it's better for a parent and a teacher if we can be using some of the same languages language fat from home to school. Right, then it's consistent for the kids and it makes it easier for them to understand. And what's funny is that my principal.
Speaker 1:So when I first came to my last school that I was at and it was the first school I had that wasn't inner city, low income, high crime, and so my last school was was it, and I was amazed at a lot of things. But she was the assistant principal my first year and then she became the principal the next, you know, after that, and she came in and she was just amazed at how my children were writing better than any of the other classes by the end of the year. And yet I had this different approach to it because we made it so that when they would have that time, writing was part of it. Writing was part of everything. Right, so you're writing down your numbers in your math and your, but it's all interactive and it's all kids working with each other.
Speaker 1:And in one of my earlier schools it's the school I was at the longest and I adored these families but my principal came in at what I was doing a reading group and everyone's going around to different centers until it was their turn to come to the reading group and they had different assignments and different things that they were supposed to do in each center. And my class got noisy, it just did. And so my principal came in and I looked up and I'm like, oh, I wasn't expecting him. Okay, so I kept doing my reading group and he's going around talking to some of the kids, and then, when he was before I left, he said hey, I, during your lunch, will you come in my office, my principal's office? Right, but we were good enough friends, you know, and I went in and he said you know, I came in your classroom because it was so noisy.
Speaker 1:I was worried, right, and he said but I was talking, and every child knew what it was they were supposed to be doing. They were talking with friends, because I always had everyone collaborating, working together. Everyone of them knew, and they knew, like, I have to help. So, and so, you know, because it was a team thing, and so the kids who got done first we're supposed to help the kids that were still working on the assignment or whatever. And he was, and so he wanted to tell me just how impressed he was that, even though it was noisy, there were tons of learning was actually going on. I think that we sometimes, as a society we still have a little piece of what we're, one extreme to another where children need to be silent, so it doesn't bother me. So if you're at a restaurant or you're at somewhere, right, and then we have another group that their children are running rough ride over the parents.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's the balance that's really going to make our kids soar.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree with that. It's interesting because I think a lot of the parents in my generation are really resonating with this gentle or conscious or attachment parenting, because we are kind of swinging to the other side of the spectrum where we were raised under authoritarian rule, and so we want to do it a different way. However, what I have noticed is that it can go to the point of toxicity. So there's boundary lists, there's sacrificing everything for the kid, letting the kid run the household, like when I'm on a playground and the mom is like okay, johnny, it's time to leave now. Okay, like asking permission to leave. It's like, johnny, it's time to leave. You know, you can still be an attached and attuned and a conscious parent while setting firm boundaries, and so maybe we can talk about that in, like not swinging from one side of the spectrum to the other. And then I have like a pressing question about sibling rivalry for you.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that too. Yeah, all right, so let's go with that. In setting boundaries, first off, you need to be absolutely firm on why this is a boundary Right, and so that takes time for you to have a conversation with your spouse and maybe even writing things down what are the values that we want to pass on to our kids and what's important? And it's going to be different for every family, in different cultures, in different faiths, whatever. There might be some different boundaries, but you need to be firm and thoughtful on what are the important boundaries that I need to set in order to support those values that my spouse and I agree on Right, and so that gives you, then, a purpose in how you're going to set the boundary, how you're going to enforce the boundary, because then you're going to ask yourself how does this help me in teaching that that value, the reason for the boundary Right? And so then and to it depends, of course, developmentally appropriate, addressing it correctly with the kids, but talking to them and we can say this is a family boundary and we're not going to go beyond it.
Speaker 1:And then, whether it's behavior at the grocery store or a restaurant or a grandma's house, how do we talk to adults? How do we talk to our peers? How do we manage conflict? You know, I've heard adults that will say the most horrific things to their spouse and then their excuse is well, I was angry. So what Right. So what Right.
Speaker 2:It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hurt someone. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:And not to call them horrible names and to demean them or whatever. And so we want our kids to know that too, that it is a okay to be angry. What are we going to do with that anger? One way that you can really enforce the boundaries that you have and be supportive is I am a huge advocate of at least weekly family meetings, and there we're going to have a chance to role play. Kids love to role play, and you can even do some dress ups. Get mommy or daddy's shirt out, get the big shoes, you know, and we can role play.
Speaker 1:So maybe you've noticed during the week there has been a big argument because one child, sometimes the youngest, will go and take something that the older kids are playing with because they want it. Okay, is that developmentally appropriate? Absolutely, they're learning Right. And so then the older kid gets really mad about that. And so we come in and we don't know the whole story of what's happened before we came in. We just heard the yelling, right. So then we come in. I guess this kind of feeds into our sibling rivalry. But, and so we come in and we start putting out edicts, right, and they go Um, executive order, so to speak, and say this is this and this is this and you gotta quit yelling at each other and quit whatever. And instead, what are the kids learning when you do that? They're learning somebody can get away with it, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, they're learning that conflict is bad and that they can't have a disagreement, and then they're learning that someone's always gonna jump in to solve it. And then they're learning also to be judged, that they need to look for an outside authority to judge who's right and who's wrong.
Speaker 1:Right, yes, right, it's not internal anymore. Yeah, and so instead, when you come in you can say all right, talk to me about I think I know what's happened. But let me make sure I understand the situation. And once they understand, at first they're gonna not know what to do with it because they're worried that they're not gonna be heard and so they'll both start talking at once, blah, blah, blah. So when you get them into a habit of and I usually go with the youngest first, just because developmentally appropriate behavior, right, they're gonna have a harder time sitting and listening to the other person unless they've been heard first. So Susie talked to me about what happened here.
Speaker 2:La, la, la, la la la la, right.
Speaker 1:And then the older sibling go oh no, oh la, la. And it's like okay, just a minute, we're listening to Susie and we're not gonna interrupt her, but we're gonna do the same thing for you in just a minute and Susie will not be able to interrupt you. Okay, once they get to where they can trust that you've done that a few times, and they see oh yeah, okay, I'm gonna have a chance to tell my story, right, and so they each get to tell a story, and then I'm still not saying well, it sounds to me like you need to do this and you need to do that. But you can say I've listened to both of you and it seems like the problem is and let me see if I understand it right Susie really wanted to play with the toy. You said no, because you were busy using that with whatever it was that you were doing, and so Susie felt bad that she didn't. You didn't let her play with the toy. You felt bad that you were using it and she just came and grabbed it.
Speaker 1:Am I understanding things? Yes or no, right? And then you can say how do you think you can fix this? Yeah, I'm not laying down the edicts? Yeah Right, how do you think you can fix this? I know that you love Susie and Susie. I know that you love Sandy, right and, and we're family. But sometimes, you know, families don't get along and sometimes there's conflicts, and that's okay. But we want to end it on a way that we all know everyone loves each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how can we?
Speaker 1:fix this and they will come up with amazing answers yeah it's so empowering, yeah.
Speaker 1:And if you can practice this at your weekly meetings when nobody's upset, right, yeah, when everybody is like, oh, it's fun, and you know, have their favorite treat or do some fun things, and then go into that and have dress ups if they want or whatever, and then you're able to practice it enough that then when they get in the middle of it, you know in time they will start doing it on their own, and then you're going to feel like I am the mother of the year.
Speaker 2:And then something else will happen where you got to start.
Speaker 1:And then something else and bring you back to reality. That's right.
Speaker 2:That's right. I love that. I think that's a great. I love the role play idea. And I have one child who is like not a talker will be like, okay, we're going to talk about that. Nope, I'm not listening, I'm not talking, like totally. And so I think some spaciousness and some consistency around like this is the expectation we're all getting together you can talk if you want. You don't have to talk, we're not going to force you to talk and then, like it becomes more agency. If she would like to hop in, then she can. And pretending to be mom or dad is kind of cute. I like that idea they could put on like our hat or whatever it is that's a great idea.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, yeah. So we hinted to like sibling dynamics and I swear I said to my husband the other day I go, I would pay somebody $10,000 to tell me how to have our kids stop fighting, like right now. Just like here's all my money in the world to tell me how to stop, because we're at that age where it's starting to like intensify and my older two are seven and nine and they're girls and they're close and they're you know, and so there's like lots of these dynamics, lots of opportunity for growth. Let's call it if we want to, you know, put a positive spin on it.
Speaker 2:So I just I didn't have a sibling that was super close in age to me. I have two older, way older half sisters and then one way younger half brother, and so I was like kind of an only child for a bit, yeah. And so I see them fight and I'm like I gave you a best friend. What's going on here? How could you possibly be funny with your best friend and my husband's in the middle of two girls and they were all pretty close in age, and he's like this is what siblings do. And I'm like how can that be possible? That's when I envisioned my perfect motherhood that didn't come into my picture. So let's talk about siblings fighting. Why do they do it? What's the solution and how can we come prepared and calm and confident as parents to address it?
Speaker 1:Well, first off, you're not going to stop it Not entirely, and a certain level of it is actually good, because it is through those experiences that they're going to learn how to manage conflict, how to disagree with someone and still love them. You know, because so many times kids will think I hate my sister, you know right. But really what they're saying is I'm really upset with her right now and I haven't learned again synapses, right Again. I haven't learned that I can disagree with someone or be mad at someone and still love them. So that's an important lesson that we can start teaching them really early on, but realize that it's not going to fully develop until they're much older and so. But we can talk about it like when they get in trouble. I'm really upset right now and you know I'm disappointed or whatever. But I want you to know I still love you. I love you with all my heart, but I need to work this out with you. So when you're using that kind of language from very, very early on to one even, then that's language that they start getting used to and understanding. So that's one of the things.
Speaker 1:Another thing is that sometimes we jump in too quickly and so it'll be like let's see how this works out, or they'll come in, mom, right, mom? She did this and asked. I'm like well, have you talked to her about it? Yes, Okay, well, are you sure you want me to be involved, or do you want to think you two can work it out? Because I know you love each other and I know you're smart and I know that you can work it out. But if you want me to be involved, I'm happy to come and be involved. Now there's suspicious Right when you're using that kind of language yeah, I don't know. And then when you do come in and get involved and you do, you know your whole side thing and help them work, and then you can say I've got an answer. But I'd like to hear what your thoughts are Like. How do you think you can? Because my answer, I'll guarantee you, is going to be not fun for anybody. It'll be much better if you two can work it out by yourself. So generally it would be like okay, yeah, so the TV's off or the screen is gone or the toy is out of, whatever, if I have to settle it, but I know that you can come up with a better answer between the two of you, then they're starting to learn to cooperate more and more.
Speaker 1:One of the fun things, though, that I liked it. So I'm the oldest of seven. We've mentioned five brothers, one sister, and honestly, I've never had an argument with my sister ever never and the only siblings I really ever argued with mostly was the brother that was 14 months younger than me, and then the next brother once in a while not very often once in a while, but mostly Spence. We're great friends now. We've managed through, but one of the things when we'd be yelling and screaming at each other is my mom. She had a beautiful singing voice and was singing a church and all this stuff, but she had a song, love at Home and she would come in using her opera voice and start just singing this love at home. There's beauty all around when there's love at home, right, and in this opera voice, and we'd have to stop yelling so we could turn around and make fun of her and her opera voice. But it taught me something.
Speaker 1:So one of the things that I could do, and any parent could do, is, if really you know it's just nonsense or it's whatever, do something unexpected like put a pot on top of your head, go into the room where they're arguing and just start vacuuming or dusting or whatever, and they'll see you with this pot on your head and they're like mom, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm just vacuuming, I'm just cleaning up. Mom, there's a pot on your head, what? No, there's not. You know, now you've distracted them.
Speaker 1:It's something funny, it's something you know joking around and I said what was that? I thought I might've heard some arguing, but I was vacuuming and so I don't know. And so then you can now, once tempers are down, you can actually have a conversation that is meaningful. When they're in the middle of screaming and yelling and they're angry and they're Dander is up, right, they're not gonna learn anything. We have to get things calmed down first, and you know and so that's one of the things that if they can trust that I'm gonna be able to tell my side of the story, I'm gonna calm down much faster than if I don't think I'm going to be heard.
Speaker 2:Beautiful. That's amazing. I'm gonna use that pot on the head thing like today.
Speaker 1:Like as soon as possible. I wanna hear how it goes.
Speaker 2:I will let you know, dj. That's so cute and for some reason I pictured myself like banging the pot with a wooden spoon. That'll just be my little thing that I add to it. So I just that's important. I think that I miss that middle piece of like everybody get back to like baseline, everybody get back to calm, and I think that's what I struggle at because I know, like you know, attempting to have both sides heard, I can repair, I can, you know model, but that like everybody get back and calm and connected piece is something that I haven't been that consistent with. But that's just an amazing point.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you. And two. Just think of it If you got two kids yelling and you come in and start yelling at them. Now we've got three people yelling instead of two.
Speaker 2:And we're telling them not to do, than what we come in and do. Yeah, like I find there's so much hypocrisy in it, Like you know. So, yeah, that's a great point. Oh, I love it. Okay. So let's talk about. There are so many things I want to talk about, but let's go with when one kid is needier than the rest. So for multi-children families and one kid maybe might have, let's say, like a neurodivergence or a learning disability or something like that that just makes this child kind of like the squeaky wheel, I mean, you know, the one who needs the most attention, the one who can kind of rock the boat more than the others. What do we do in situations like that? Because oftentimes I'm feeling like other kids are getting ignored or not as much attention sometimes, because so much attention needs to go to this one child. So how do we balance that in like a family dynamic?
Speaker 1:Well, first off, you've got to understand that it's never going to be a fully equal balance. It's life right. You have a new baby. Baby's going to take up a lot of time. That's just how it goes If you have a child who has a significant disability.
Speaker 1:So I have a niece, and her oldest had cerebral palsy but was so and couldn't speak, couldn't take care of herself in any way. Tons of doctor meetings then just, and then she had five more kids and so, and the two oldest, so she had three girls and then three boys, and so the two older girls wound up having to take on a ton of extra work that most kids their age wouldn't have to do. But it was just necessary for the family to work out. One of the things that they did was they made sure that the two older girls had one on one time with dad. They could go out, bike ride, depending on what their interests were. So they were actually a quite physical family triathlons and doing those kinds of things. And so I remembered that she was talking to her oldest who, like I'm really close and love this oldest daughter, but I guess next to oldest but, and so she said what is it that you would really love to do with mommy. It's just our thing, just you and me. And she said I wanna do your workouts with you because my niece would get up early and do these workouts before everyone was getting up. But her oldest was picking up on that and she said, yeah, I would love to do that, but I get up early early to do that. Do you wanna get up early? She said I'll get up early if we do it together. Sure enough, and that became their thing, was that every morning they had that. They made sure that the kids had something that was special just between them and mom or them and dad, and that was their thing, so that they were still getting attention and they talked a lot as a family.
Speaker 1:It's like we're different than other families because we have big sister and you can see she can't. Unfortunately, she passed away about a year ago and broke everyone's heart. But they have these memories too of like this is our job as a group to help take care of older sister and then making sure that they had time like, no, you have to stay home and help rather than you know, oh, yeah, you can go play with so and so, yeah, you can be on this team, you know, and we'll work it out. But there are going to be times when I really really need you and I understand I'm asking a lot from you Because this is how our family is. You know we're not the same as other families right now and and so you know you kind of have to come to it, so it could be something that is that involved, as that one, or, like my youngest son, adhd off of the charts, like we took into a neuro pediatric neurologist, and he told me after the end of the first meeting. He said I've treated over 3000 kids with ADHD. Your son's probably my top five of involvement. Yeah, so right, he's now the cop. There we go.
Speaker 1:And so it took some time and working out and being patient, and it wasn't all smooth. There were bumpy parts and the other kids would get frustrated with him, and both my boys are adrenaline junkies though, and so that kind of they could go and, you know, longboard down the big hill or whatever, and but we also gave him some responsibility, though, for his behavior, and so, like his senior year, he came to me and he said I don't want to be on the medicine anymore. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I, I, I hate it.
Speaker 1:I said, okay, well, you're almost going to be, you know, you're in the adult range and you're going to have to start making these decisions for yourself. But the reality is, though, christian, that you will still be responsible for your behavior, with or without the medicine because you're choosing not to take it. You can't use that as an excuse for, well, I'm not on my medicine, that was your choice. So you're still responsible, and so we. You know we work through some things. We still have bumps and and hitches, and you know. But that's what Vanny kid too. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what I'm hearing you say is just like really bringing everybody into the conversation about who we are as a family. I love that you mentioned the values like filtering everything through that, allowing our children to have a voice and a place at the table. This isn't like just a dictatorship, or not just marching around, like you know, spouting orders, where a family and in order to work as a family, we have to coexist, and that means everyone has a place to stay. You know what works for them and what's hard, and we have compassion for what's hard for someone else too. Yeah, what an inspiring way to look at it. I could talk to you for all day, but as we start to wrap up, I would love for you to tell us where we can find you and follow you and learn more about your work, and then I'll ask you the three questions I ask everybody at the end.
Speaker 1:Oh fun, I have that on my podcast too. So I actually have a podcast that's called imperfect heroes insights into parenting, and because we are all imperfect, but parents heroes too, and so you know, even Joseph and Mary were mortal right, so I'm sure they had their day in there. But so we don't expect them, we don't expect perfection, but we encourage continual learning and progression, and that's what makes you a hero. So that's, you can find that anywhere that you find podcasts. That also has its own website. It's wwwimperfectheroespodcastcom. And then I'm also a parent coach, if anyone wants to.
Speaker 1:So more of this great and wonderful advice, and I always make it specific to the family. And so you know, I tend not to have this bulk thing, because one size does not fit all, not even in pantyhose. So we have to, you know, get going. So you can get me there. It's at wwwlittleheartsacademyusacom, and that is my, I guess, coaching website, and you can find all kinds of different things on there. There's also a link from there to the podcast as well.
Speaker 1:And I even have a children's book that's out. It's called Roman is Bigger. It's available on Amazon, barnes, noble, walmart, and it's just about a little boy who has big emotions and he's trying to find the right word to express because he's bigger than mad, he's bigger than scared, he's bigger than happy, and so it works on emotions. Plus, it also works on vocabulary, and there's, of course, a lesson plan in the back, because of my teacher and I also have a parent page with activities that you can do with your kids to help them expand their vocabulary. So you can always get that and order that, and it's a fun book, and I've got another one that'll be coming out at the end of summer.
Speaker 2:That sounds amazing. What a great idea. I think we as parents sometimes need that too. We're bigger than mad or bigger than happy. Sometimes just that word isn't enough. It's like I love that. And then it shows the full spectrum of emotion too, because if you look at it in a motion wheel it's really nuanced. It's not just happy, mad, sad. So that's important work that you're doing. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Thank you, I love doing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can tell that your passion and your wisdom shine through for sure, thank, you. Yeah, dj. What's bringing you joy today?
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness, I'll tell you what. I get up early and I go for a walk and I live. I've left the big cities behind and a year ago, this month, we moved to Chester, idaho, population about 300. And so I'm walking my dogs and the sun is just coming up. I have a view of the Tetons and it's crisp. It was about 19 degrees and, yeah, that's crisp. It is yeah, but it just feels so good to be in such beauty. There is such beauty that's around us every day and that's one of the things that brings me great joy.
Speaker 2:What, if anything, are you reading right now?
Speaker 1:Oh, I will tell you I'm a big fan of Richard Paul Evans and he has a series of books called Michael Vate and a great thing for like for your tweens maybe, or to start reading the hero of this series of books. And I'm reading one book nine. He has Tourette's and yet he's the hero of all, as they have, like, magical powers and that were. They got them from an experiment of birth. Blah, blah, blah. It's just a very exciting adventure book, very pro family, but I love that. You know the hero of everything and the guy that gets the girl even is he has Tourette's and is working through that as well. That's what I'm reading right now.
Speaker 2:Cool, I love that. And the last question I have for you is who or what have you learned the most from?
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness, I'm going to tell you my kids. They have taught. Well, they've taught me a lot about patients and just in finding joy in things, in pushing boundaries that maybe I set for myself, that I'm afraid to try something, and and they've come on, mom, you know, and oh, I can do this. And they've taught me about faith and God. And you know, you just watch these, these little miracles that come into your life and, yeah, and, and even my students that I've had in my life through my teaching career and the things that they've had to overcome, and and I mean it was interesting. I was glad dad showed up to parent-teacher conference, but it's kind of interesting when they have the face tattoos and the teardrops and it's like, well, hello, Mr, you know so-and-so, but yeah, kids teach me more than anyone.
Speaker 2:Me too. Thank you so much, dj. Thank you, thank you, thank you.